Sticky Sticky Love

The president-elect of the American College of Surgeons resigned his position Sunday after weeks of controversy surrounding a Valentine’s Day editorial he wrote touting the mood-enhancing effects of semen on women during unprotected sex.

The editorial cited research that found that female college students who had had unprotected sex were less depressed than those whose partners used condoms. It speculated that compounds in semen have antidepressant effects.

“So there’s a deeper bond between men and women than St. Valentine would have suspected, and now we know there’s a better gift for that day than chocolates,” it concluded. —  NYTimes

“If you wanna make her happy, don’t roll on the wrappy.” — ”Blind Mule” Johnson

What’s interesting here is that the controversy exists entirely independent of the actual content of the study.   Whether or not a splooge-soaked snatch elevates the mood of the recipient, just suggesting as much is so politically abhorrent — especially in this day and age of abstinence and safe sex — that this doctor has to go.

“Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.” — Orson Bean  Ogden Nash

By now, most civilized human beings understand that the male ejaculate brims with wonderful, life-affirming chemicals and particles, which when introduced  to the sexual partner performs wonders in terms of mood, health, and well-being.  A full-blast facial smoothes wrinkles, clears zits, and produces a life-enhanced glow.  Ingested orally, it reduces cholesterol, soothes digestion,  and facilitates the metabolic process.  Vaginally, of course, it creates life and inspires multiple orgasms.  Anally, it sells porn.  (Sorry.  Best I can do.)

So this poor professor poses his theory and makes a little joke about it, and the forces of academia sweep him away like a puritan tsunami.  Excuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse Me.  You’d suppose by now this sort of speculation would be received open-minded and warmly, but the temptation to wrap oneself in the Cloak of Offended Victimhood remains too strong to resist in certain rarified atmospheres.

It’s sad, it’s wrong, it’s outrageous.  Personally, I’ll not stand for it.  A man’s reputation is at stake, and there’s a whole lot of further research needed here.  I sent in my resume.  I’m here to help.

This entry was posted in Gen. Snark, Maj. Snafu, Corp. Punishment. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Sticky Sticky Love

  1. A. Gay-Fella says:

    We in the gay community have long praised the wonders of semen. Have you ever seen a wrinkled fag? And ooh it tastes SO GOOD and it’s a NATURAL FOOD.

    Please correct the origin of this quote to Ogden Nash. Liquor stills IS the FASTEST way into a guy’s pants.

    In Reflections on Ice-Breaking he wrote:

    Is dandy
    But liquor
    Is quicker.

    • Squathole says:

      Thanks, AGF. I have noted the correction. In the same spirit as his:

      I’ve never seen a wrinkled fag
      I never hope to see one.
      But I can tell you anywhow
      I’d rather see than be one.

      I have many gay friends (both genders, some mixed) and I understand the term “fag” is highly offensive except when used ironically. Years ago, a flamboyant gay man was often referred to as a “flaming faggot,” but the term seems to have lost favor. Now, whenever I hear the term “fag” or “faggot,” it usually refers to a presexual nerdy young boy. A term of playground abuse, as it were.

      • Flaming Yon says:

        I don’t weant to get too I’m Here And I’m Queer on you all, but sperm ingested anally has more benefits that justmaking great porn. For one thing, it makes for some terrific Santorum.

  2. Thank you, Dr Science. I had no idea they wore hardhats. No wonder it burns.

  3. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such pigs.

  4. Camiel Toe says:

    It probably has less to do with the chemicals and more to do wioth the fact that sex with a partner you trust enough not to require a condom is going to be more rewarding on the basis of that trusting relationship.

    Or maybe it’s just that wonderful warm burst of life heating up the empty nest.

  5. Kent Standit says:

    It’s a floor cleaner! It’s a dessert topping!

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