Law’n’Odor

Friday!  It’s FRI-day!  FRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-Day!

So here come de crazies.

Authorities in southwest Florida recently detained a woman who not only allegedly had hundreds of prescription pills in her possession, but also had two weapons hidden in two very unusual places….One of them was tucked away in an abdominal skin fold, and the other was found inside the suspect’s vaginal cavity, police said…..

After searching [the first suspect], the female deputy patted down [the second suspect] — reportedly discovering more than 300 pills. Following the searches, [the second suspect] claimed she was ill and was transported to Gulf Coast Hospital.  During examination, medical staff allegedly found two knives, “one being hidden in her vagina, and the other in a roll of fat in her stomach. ”  Another bottle of pills was also located in her body fat, police said.  — AOLNews.com

The real challenge here is to cook up something funnier and more outrageous than the facts as presented.  I don’t collect a paycheck like Carl Hiaasen, you know.  But I have three observations:

(1)   Do you suppose that anybody in the market for “pills” would be dissuaded from making a purchase, knowing those pills had been stored in the seller’s body fat?  My suspicion is that this scatological factor only serves to make those products even more desirable.   Hey — a few dark curly hairs doubles the price!

(2)  Close your eyes and imagine the body that can conceal a knife in its rolls of fat.  I picture George “The Animal” Steele.  Then I start horking blood.

(3)  I bet you don’t like your job.  Most people don’t.  Think about those agents obligated to conduct these full-body examinations in search of concealed drugs and weapons……did your job just improve?  If not, quit.  Now.  There’s fruit to be picked in Immokalee.

Finally, consider the fact that what we read about here is, from the perspective of law enforcement professionals, just another day in the office:

While the alleged vaginal stash is shocking, it pales in comparison to a recent arrest in Scranton, Pa., in which police say they found more than 100 items — including 54 bags of heroin and loose change — inside a 27-year-old arrestee’s vagina.

As a native Philadelphian, I have driven up the northeast extension of the PA Turnpike to walk the streets of Scranton, see its sights, speak with its citizens, and sample its ambiance.  The thought of a 27 year old Scrantoon vagina stuffed with 54 bags of heroin is the single most repulsive image I’ve had since Newt Gingrich smiling as he told his bedbound cancerous wife he was leaving her.  The loose change doesn’t help.  Back when I bought drugs, dime bags didn’t smell like fish.

And that’s where we’ll leave it, fans.  Until next time!

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7 Responses to Law’n’Odor

  1. Scranton, home of ‘The Office’…I wonder if any Dunder Mifflin employees were involved? Y’know when I was in Scranron as a child visiting relatives I lost my Cub Scout knife. Hmmmmm.

  2. Mary J Wana says:

    You might want to qualify those dime bag purchases as being pot. After all not every one knows you’re not capable of stabbing yourself with anything, especially a needle.

  3. 60s Radical says:

    A dime bag?! I hope she was good.
    I’ve been out with air bags and dated trash bags but…, a dime bag?

    I guess a dime was worth a lot more waaaaaaay back then…

  4. Mister E says:

    They tell me that one of the distinctive flavors of a hand-rolled Cuban cigar comes from the plump, hairy thigh of the aged woman who rolled it. Not being a cigar smoker I couldn’t say, but I wonder if pills stored in the fat rolls of a dealer serves the same purpose.

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