Stairway to Heaven, Sponsored by Kool-Aid

I fully expect that after today I’ll lose a considerable number of readers, as so many will be off to heaven and eternal peace, leaving miserable sinners like myself behind to confront horrible deaths and the destruction of the earth.

The May 21st End of the World prediction only applies to those who will be saved on Judgment Day 2011 in the Rapture.  Those who aren’t saved in the May 21 Rapture will suffer a different fate, and an End of the World date 5 months after May 21st.

May 21st Judgement Day is going to be the decisive day when Jesus returns for the Rapture.  True believers will be brought to Heaven, and that will be the End of The World for the approximately 3,000,000 people will be saved, according to Harold Camping.

The remaining people on earth that are not saved by Jesus in the May 21 Rapture will be sentenced to 5 months of torment under the rule of Jesus during the End of Days.  The End Times will cause anarchy, chaos, disasters, and the end of civilization as we know it. — 

The second paragraph is a trifle convoluted (and “Judgment” misspelled) but you get the idea.  The Good People get a ticket out, leaving us assbucket sinners to perish under the direction of Hay-zeus himself.

So who’s the holy braniac behind this idiocy?

Harold Camping, 89, [who] previously made a failed prediction that Jesus Christ would return to Earth in 1994….[is the] head of the Christian radio network Family Stations Inc.  [He] says that he is sure an earthquake will shake the Earth on May 21, sweeping true believers to heaven and leaving others behind to be engulfed in the world’s destruction over a few months.

“We know without any shadow of a doubt it is going to happen,” Camping told Reuters.

His Family Radio has 66 U.S. stations and broadcasts in more than 30 languages through international affiliates.  — Reuters

Evidently this is your typical chancel-prancing bible harpie, somewhere between senile and stupid, who convinces zillions of like-minded cross-kissing sycophants to take him seriously enough to send checks.  The mob, Seminole Tribe, and Federal Reserve don’t have as lucrative a racket as this putz.

I try like hell to get somebody to take my bet this won’t happen, but nobody with enough money to wager is idiotic enough to accept.  I even call professional gambler Duck Diamonds to see if he had any action.  “Grow the fuck up,” he tells me.

The fact is, I’m delighted.  Reducing the human herd by shipping off 3 million sanctimonious imbeciles sounds like a good thing.  Don’t let the clouds hit you in the ass on your way up and out.

Mr. Camping didn’t specify the time of day this mass exodus will happen, but we all know it’s 5 o’clock somewhere, so I intend to toast them as I watch them go, even if it’s dawn.

I only hope the old fart didn’t mix up “rapture” with “rupture,” about which I bet he has intimate acquaintance.

This entry was posted in Gen. Snark, Maj. Snafu, Corp. Punishment. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Stairway to Heaven, Sponsored by Kool-Aid

  1. “I can feel it Lawd, I can feel it..the wings are already sprouting on my back. What? What’s that???? Everybody has them, they’re shoulder blades.Oh never mind”……..Emily Litella.

    Actually it was 1994 when Newt Gingich became speaker….maybe thats what Mr Camping meant.

  2. Neil, a Christian Soul says:

    Although I consider myself a humble Christian who struggles to avoid the temptations of sin, I do not agree with Mr. Camping’s conclusion. Over the years, his broadcasts have provided millions of people all over the world with comfort and wisdom, but no mortal is perfect, and I conclude from own prayers and conversations that he is wrong about the Rapture.

    That said, he is a good man serving the Lord and his intentions are honorable. Should he be right, I am prepared, confident that the Lord will deem me worthy. Sadly, those like yourself who continue to mock the Word and demean the Holy are certainly doomed, if not this year, then eventually. Whatever happens tomorrow, you’re going to hell.

  3. Odtley says:

    end of thw world what a drag because im finally in a decent relationship with somebodyand would hate to see an end to all the good times read nooky ive been getting on weekenda and sometimes during the week too because shes just as lonely as i was and when its good its good but maybe with the end in sight itll get even more intenser and better at least tonight and tomorrow morning let you know if were still here.

  4. Tanya Hyde says:

    Hey Squatsie — the Haulover Beach Tanorexics will be keeping a vigil here on the nude beach all day waiting for the end……sdo when it does or doesn’t come we’ll be sun dried and dark and ready for anything. Join us! U know where.

    PS Sunrise lovely this morning.

    • guido says:

      Tanya give it up……you know the only way squats will see a sunrise is if he never went to bed. And these days he can barely stay up past 10 much less stay up all night.

      I’d join you but sunrise is too chilly for a nude beach. Why don’t you guys come north and meet me on Hollywood beach? I’ve seen some great sunrises there.

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