Boneyard Boning

It seems an intimate moment in a New Jersey cemetery was spoiled earlier this week by a falling tombstone. Capt. James Stevens of the Hamilton Township police tells the [Newark] Star-Ledger that a sunset encounter was rudely interrupted just before 7 p.m. when a tombstone fell on a 39-year-old woman’s leg. Stevens decorously told reporters the victim was engaged in “extracurricular activities” with an unidentified man, which the Star-Ledger interprets as “sexual activity.” Come on you two, get a crypt! — Gothamist

Evidently they made the earth move.

New meaning to the word Headstone.  Rest in Piece of Ass.

Coffin coitus.  Grave danger.  Diddling ‘Mong the Dirt Naps.

I want to know the back story here — like, was the injured party having sex on her husband’s or former lover’s grave?  Was this just middle age lust, or was there a theme and message to this carnal act?

I’ve been to lots of cemeteries — I know, people are just dying to get in there — and while they’re peaceful places, lovely to look at, and intensely spiritual, I can’t say I’ve ever felt moved to tumescence.   Not even in the pet cemetery.  * Delete that. *  There’s simply nothing sexually appealing about dead people.  Not to me, anyway, and I’m Hungarian.  Like Dracula.

One year, when Guido and I were riding our bikes through Key West, we found ourselves up against the cemetery and decided we would visit.  We went all around the damn place looking for an open gate without success.  Finally, we spotted an old timer digging away relatively close to the edge, so I pulled up and asked, “How do I get in there?”  He straightens up, rubs his chin, gives me a bemused look, and says, “Ya gotta die.”

Guido and I eventually found our way in, rode around a bit, and left.  We did not have sex.  Not in there, anyway.

No, cemetery sex sounds just creepy.  Maybe that’s the point — Goths, zombies, that whole scene.  I can see the appeal of spitting, and even shitting on somebody’s grave, but sex?  Among the dead and decomposing?   Just being here in Florida is close enough.  Include me out.

[photo credit]

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3 Responses to Boneyard Boning

  1. Fran G'Panni says:

    Many many people visit the KW cemetery, and judging by the number of spent condoms one finds on the grounds, I’d say it’s a rather popular bonking spot.

  2. Rep. Anthony Weiner says:

    How does one enter the Key West cemetery? I once sexted at Arlington National Cemetery, the place was full of stiffs and I was bored.

    • * Rim Shot * says:

      Couple gay guys walking in KW pass the cemetery….one says to the other “What say we go in and get us a stiff one?”

      I gotta million of ’em and if you don’t behave I’ll tell ’em.

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