Halloween Arrives Early in St. Pete

A Florida woman who allegedly claimed to be a vampire has been charged with battery after violently biting a man in a wheelchair on his face and arms, police said on Friday.

Milton Ellis, 69, told police in St. Petersburg, Florida, that he and Josephine Smith, 22, met on the street and went to the porch of a vacant restaurant to get out of the rain.  He said he fell asleep in his motorized wheelchair and woke up to find Smith on top of him.

Ellis told authorities that she said, “I’m a vampire. I am going to eat you” and then began to bite him.   According to a police affidavit, Ellis was bitten on his arm and lips, leaving him bloody before he was able to escape and call police.  He was later treated with stitches at a local hospital and released.– Reuters

I don’t get it — He’s the one in a motorized wheelchair, but she’s the one who gets charged?  with battery?

And what’s with the “I’m a vampire and I’m going to eat you” speech?  That is just lame.  It’s not nearly as bowel-watering scary as, say, “I’m from the government and I’m here to help you.”

Finally, how did he escape?  Do those wheelchairs have some kind of downshift acceleration option in case of vampire attack?  Did he have to go out in the rain, and if so, doesn’t that risk electrocution, or at least a short circuit?

No, I’m not buying this tall tale.  Uh-uh.

Try this: the manipulative old cripple cons the 22 year old into helping him get out of the rain, and steers them to a vacant store.  Recognizing her for a whack job, he offers her cash for some quick sexual services, which she delivers.  Then afterwards, when he refuses payment and tells her to sod off, she attacks him and stalks away, leaving him bloodied and pissed off.  Figuring he’ll garner official sympathy because he’s old and disabled, he wheels away for free medical treatment, and files a police report for revenge.

Maybe.  Anyway, it’s the sort of thing I plan to do when the time comes.

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4 Responses to Halloween Arrives Early in St. Pete

  1. ya' gotta' guessit says:

    Christ.

    You Floridians are like something from a Ralph Steadman fever-dream.

    We should dig a moat from Mobile, straight across to the Atlantic Ocean.

  2. Sinead O'Connor says:

    What makes you think she’s a “whack job”? She looks like a perfectly normal young lady to me.

  3. Gov Rick Perry says:

    There’s certainly something fishy here. I bet it’s a Ponzi scheme.

  4. Vlad the Impaler says:

    “I vant to suck your blood” is what a real vampire would. This vampire wanna-be should know, vampires do not “eat” their victums.

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