Foodie

A career criminal who threatened to kill and eat President Obama won’t be going out to dine anytime soon.

Gregory Dale Brockman, 33, was serving a three-year sentence for burglary in Jan. 2010 when he wrote letters to the Secret Service detailing his culinary plans. According to court papers, in his missive postmarked Jan. 19, 2010, from a Chester prison, he also described how he would precede his meal with the sexual assault of first lady Michelle Obama and then “skin her alive.”

He added that after killing the president, he planned to “cut his meat from his bones and put them in the oven,” then “sit down at the table and start eating.” — philly.com

Clearly a man who thinks out his moves carefully.  I bet you’d find any number of individuals — not just prison and asylum inmates, but allegedly normal folks as well — threatening to skin alive and eat people they hate.  But who bothers to listen?  Mr. Brockman, on the other hand, correctly ascertained that writing down his plans and mailing them to the Secret Service would ensure securing himself an attentive audience.

In an interview with Secret Service agents a few weeks later, Brockman admitted writing the letter to calm himself down. According to court papers, he told the agents he was upset about the war in Afghanistan, marijuana prohibition, and underfunding of public schools. Brockman also mentioned how he was fascinated by renowned cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer, who killed 17 people and consumed several of the victims. 

“…to calm himself down.”  He goes au naturel — no sedatives, no alcohol — just pencil and paper and a six-pack of insanity.  Of course, it’s for a good cause: world peace, freedom of expression, and quality education.  He just needs some work on his hero selection.  But always on the lookout for his own future, he ensures himself another few years of security, 3 squares, and threads on the public dime:

When asked, the former Carbon County resident told the federal agents he still intended to hurt the president and would act on those thoughts if he were released from prison.

Big ‘if,” Greg.  You could choke on an “if” that chunky.  And then you go ‘way too far:

In his letters Brockman also threatened to sexually assault [former] Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

That seals it.  Stone, fuckin Pluto, not to mention utterly without taste.  Risky, too: some prosecutors would argue that bestiality warrants the death penalty.  So he lucks out:

On Thursday, Brockman was sentenced to five years in prison. He’ll serve that after finishing out his term in Chester and another five-year term for threatening George W. Bush in 2008. The sentences…. will run consecutively.

Sure hope his taste buds have evolved by then.

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6 Responses to Foodie

  1. julesagray says:

    “…. a pencil and paper and a six-pack of insanity..” sounds like a typical weekend for me…

  2. QUESTION: Does Rick Perry taste like steer?

  3. mkhall says:

    Personally, I use a computer, and buy my insanity in steel drums at Costco. When I lived in Miami I got it for free, though, just by leaving a bucket outside and letting the madness condense out of the atmosphere.

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