According to 2010 surveys, Monroe County residents are downing more alcohol than the average Floridian……The Keynoter reports that 25.6% of men and 24.6% of women in the Florida Keys said they binge drink or drink daily. — Sun Sentinel
Horn your honk if this one surprises you. If there’s anything to catch you pants-at-the ankles, it’s that ONLY 25% of the population admits to alcoholic bingeing. Hell, I’ve been to the Keys many many many times. Basically, they lie lie lie lie. Especially when they drink drink drink. Which they do all the time time time. You get the idea.
There’s nothing ennobling about excessive drinking, but it has its place. And one of those places is the Keys, specifically Key Waste. Got a problem with that? Book a room in Sanibel and pick shells off the beach. Great fun. I’ll be at the Bull or the Green Parrot, getting shell-acked.
If Florida is the nation’s dicktip, the Keys are its ejaculate; the optimistic expression of its life and ecstasy writ large between twin infinities of sea and sky. No, Hemingway didn’t write that. Read it again. Then book your stay.
You don’t have to drink to enjoy the Keys. They tell me. I wouldn’t know, not from experience, anyway. When we visit, Guido and I make it a practice never to drink before noon, but always thereafter. I see why people overdo it, how easy it is to be conquered by the habit and the release it offers, and to just, well, surrender and drop one’s arms in favor of bending one’s elbow. Too soon it’s too late, and then it’s just too bad And then, too-de-loo.
Anyway, now we have a scientific study. “They drink a lot in the Keys!” Damn, man. Didja hear about the Lindbergh baby? Does the pope shit in the woods?