Below Sea Level, Above Average

Headline story from

According to 2010 surveys, Monroe County residents are downing more alcohol than the average Floridian……The Keynoter reports that 25.6% of men and 24.6% of women in the Florida Keys said they binge drink or drink daily. — Sun Sentinel

Horn your honk if this one surprises you.   If there’s anything to catch you pants-at-the ankles, it’s that ONLY 25% of the population admits to alcoholic bingeing.  Hell, I’ve been to the Keys many many many times.  Basically, they lie lie lie lie.  Especially when they drink drink drink.  Which they do all the time time time.   You get the idea.

There’s nothing ennobling about excessive drinking, but it has its place.  And one of those places is the Keys, specifically Key Waste.  Got a problem with that?   Book a room in Sanibel and pick shells off the beach.  Great fun.  I’ll be at the Bull or the Green Parrot, getting shell-acked.

If Florida is the nation’s dicktip, the Keys are its ejaculate; the optimistic expression of its life and ecstasy writ large between twin infinities of sea and sky.   No, Hemingway didn’t write that.  Read it again.  Then book your stay.

You don’t have to drink to enjoy the Keys.  They tell me.  I wouldn’t know, not from experience, anyway.  When we visit, Guido and I make it a practice never to drink before noon, but always thereafter.  I see why people overdo it, how easy it is to be conquered by the habit and the release it offers, and to just, well, surrender and drop one’s arms in favor of bending one’s elbow.   Too soon it’s too late, and then it’s just too bad  And then, too-de-loo.

Anyway, now we have a scientific study.  “They drink a lot in the Keys!”  Damn, man.  Didja hear about the Lindbergh baby?  Does the pope shit in the woods?

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4 Responses to Below Sea Level, Above Average

  1. Frank of Oregon says:

    What a lame article. Those numbers mean nothing without a base-line or comparison to other regions or resort areas, or college towns, for that matter.

    • Fran G'Panni says:

      Frank: I thought the same thing and I was actually looking up the data when your comment appeared. All this was reported in over the weekend. Highlights:

      That 25.1 overall percentage of “binge” or “heavy” drinking is 10 points higher than the Florida average of 15 percent.

      In Miami-Dade County, those alcohol-consumption numbers were 11 percent overall — 16 percent for men and 5.7 percent of the women. Broward County reported an overall 16 percent on the drinking queries, but the men’s responses jumped 8 points higher, up to 22 percent.

      Her’s the link:

      Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m heading over to the Bull. Join me, Squatty?

      • Squathole says:

        Thanks, Fran. I had started to do just that last night when I posted this, then got distracted, then fell asleep. Great to be old.

        I can’t meet you at the Bull today as I’m 200 miles north, However, we’re working on the problem.

  2. Diesel Fitter says:

    “If Florida is the nation’s dicktip, the Keys are its ejaculate.”

    You’ll never make it in the tourist industry, kid.

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