Eel-licit Entry

A Chinese man had to have an eel surgically removed from his bladder after a mishap while undergoing an unusual spa treatment.

Zhang Nan, a 56-year-old resident of Hubei province, was bathing with live eels, in the hopes that the tiny, serpentine critters would nibble away layers of dead skin, revealing more youthful-looking skin below…..It’s similar to those unusual pedicures that have fish eat dead skin off people’s feet — except that you’re fully submerged, and you’re probably naked, and there are eels all over you.

Anyway, Nan felt a sharp pain, realized a 6-inch eel had entered his penis and was wriggling up through his urethra. He tried to pull it out but its tiny body was too slippery to hold, and it disappeared up his penis and into his bladder.  — Sun-Sentinel

The eel was successfully removed and treated for trauma.   “No pun intended, but I got disoriented,” he explained. 

I have my doubts about this sordid little tale.  How big is a dick hole — other than say, Rick Perry — that a 6 inch eel could work its way into one, and keep on heading north to the Promised Land of Bladder? 

And if this is even remotely possible, why wouldn’t any male foolish enough to pay for the privilege of having sea reptiles nibble on his flesh wear some sort of protection where he’s vulnerable?   If an eel can find its way into your dickhole, what’s that say about the exposure of your ass? 

Some of the ordeals to which people subject themselves in the name of beauty, or the worship of vanity, would be prohibited as excessively cruel by the Spanish Inquisition, let alone the Geneva Conventions.   It’s almost understandable for professionals dependent on their appearance for their livelihood — models, actors, asswipes posing on teevee as journalists — but what’s the deal with this 56 year old?  Or the legions of matronly empty-nest baby boomers lining up at clinics in Boca Raton?  How about these guys who drill holes in their heads to transplant their ass hair, channeling Wildroot Cream Oil Charlie?  Give it up, won’t you?

Thank god I’m blind enough to find everything beautiful, starting with that blurry block of wrinkled meat who greets me daily from the bathroom mirror.

PS  I tried to work my way toward a more ambitious title for this post along the lines of “Eel Like Trickle Bananas,” but I couldn’t make it work.  Suggestions welcome.

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This entry was posted in Gen. Snark, Maj. Snafu, Corp. Punishment. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Eel-licit Entry

  1. julesagray says:

    How … how… um…how …
    I’m at a loss.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Have you forgotten your own cystoscospy, Squathole?

    How fucking large was *that* goddam de-vice??

    Eels are slick and sneaky, and this is just the sort of thing I’d expect from them, but what in HELL was wrong with dude’s dick-hole early-warning sensor? He should get that checked out.

    Proposed Title:
    “The Moray Eels Eat the Holy Modal Rounders”

  3. odtley says:

    omg i was in therapy from age 6 to 12 because one of my nightmares that woke everybody up with my screaming was snakes and worms and pipe cleaners and nails and needles and things like that somehow finding their way up into my penis so this story is the worst thing i have read since then and i probably will have to masturbate before i can get to sleep now which btw is how the nightmares finally stopped at age 12 because when i started that it gave me a way to imagine repelling invaders and or getting them out once they entered

  4. Joe Balls says:

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

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