All That Glitters, But Not In Shitters

This experiment rapidly turned to shit…, wait!  That’s how it started!

A Northern Ireland man who tried to turn his own faeces into gold by putting it on an electric heater has been jailed for three months…..The bizarre experiment, carried out by Paul Moran, 30, caused around £3,000 worth of damage to his Housing Executive home.

His Honour Judge McFarland told him: “Rather bizarrely you were attempting to make gold from human faeces and waste products.  “It was an interesting experiment to fulfill the alchemist’s dream, but wasn’t going to succeed.”

Moran’s barrister, Des Fahy, agreed that the general circumstances of the case were bizarre. He said Moran was a man of considerable intellectual ability but there was a clear problem over the years relating to drug abuse.  —Belfast Telegraph

Drug abuse?  I’m shocked, shocked.

Maybe — given the drug connection — he was thinking of a different kind of shit?  Like, stuff you smoke?  No, probably not.  Comnsider its, um, source.  Even potheads know their ass from their stash.

Still, don’t you think it would be worth the price of admission to hear Mr. Moran explain his thinking?  To hear him lay out his best logical presentation for why he though the waste material produced by his own personal intestines, evacuated from his own personal anus, when cooked in an ordinary room heating device would turn into gold?  I’ve met egocentric people who act as though they think they shit eat cream — but not gold.  I don’t know what a cone of Haagen Dazs costs these days, but gold closed Monday at $1,653/ounce.  That’s  without jimmies, too.

Were Mr. Moran an American, I’d suggest he look into running for public office, most likely as a tea party Republican.  These are people, after all, utterly and inalterably convinced that even their most idiotic ideas and convictions, while pure shit at best, are the gold standard for transforming America.  Of course, from one perspective they’re exactly right: it would transform America into some kind of medieval society — and at once we see the connection with alchemy.  Mr. Moran would be hailed as a prophet.  A shit-smeared luminary.  He’d rake in millions stumping for Herman “Raisin” Cain.

Finally: a related Monty Python joke.  What’s brown and sounds like a bell?  “Dung!”

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3 Responses to All That Glitters, But Not In Shitters

  1. Miami Harold says:

    It’s a paradigmatic American concept.
    Take something completely worthless like your own excrement
    and convince yourself otherwise.
    Certain individuals are so expert at this they convince others as well.
    The first group usually ends up medicated or imprisoned.
    The second ends up in banking or on Wall Street
    and become fabulously wealthy.

  2. Bill Gates says:

    Big deal. Turning shit into gold is what Steve Jobs did his whole life.

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