Brew Hoo Ha

Weather-wise, it was a miserable weekend, wannit?

It is such a downer, Guido breaks precedent and accompanies me to the Liquor and Rubber Balls Sport Emporium and Colonics-While-U- Wait clinic for a Saturday night reprieve, provoking bemusement among the largely lesbian clientele who are certain I’m gay.  What — just because I wear sleeveless tee shirts to show off my shaved armpits?  Sheesh.  Whatever.

Don Tequila’s tending bar as usual on a Saturday night, but totally out of all character he’s laughing his ass off.  Don never gets too high or too low.  Which is probably good — Don is 6’10”  tall and built like a bridge foundation.  Emotions are not good for national security.

I ask him what’s going on, and he shows me this news article about uses for beer other than drinking.  No shit.

It turns out beer is good for killing slugs, snails, wasps, mice, fungi, and other household and garden pests.  You can clean jewelry and woodwork with it.  You can polish brass, loosen bolts, and remove stains.  You can even insulate your house against the cold.

Why is this so funny, Don?  It sounds like beer is the new aspirin!

“Yeah,” he says.  “It’s the new fucking aspirin.  You know what it isn’t?”

Surprise me.

“It isn’t any different from what it started as — a cheap, refreshing alcohol-based beverage aimed at the working stiff and the general population.  And all these fucking people who wanna glorify it and treat it like gourmet fare don’t know their ass from their anus.”

Ass from their anus.  Gimme a minute to Google that.

“Look, you know what?  There’s too many beers.  We got this movement going on in this country, all these small brewers, these microbreweries, they’re all getting  into the act.  Hey, wonderful.  Fresh beer, can’t beat it.  Trouble is, it all tastes like ass.

“I have beer on tap here — I got Grolsch, Harp, Bass, Dortmunder, and Guinness.  Those are the best fucking beers human beings in the history of the planet have ever brewed, bar none.  I got five other taps I rotate depending on what the best deal is that month.  I got a fridge with another dozen, from Miller Lite to Red Hook to Yardarm.  Who needs it?   Waddya wanna mess around for?  You want Belgian fruit juice or San Francisco fagwater,  go somewhere else.

“But if you wanna loosen screws off your shed or kill garden rats, hey — there’s Blue Moon, Iron City, and Sheepscunt.  Go  to Home Depot.  That’s where they oughta sell this shit.  Keep it the fuck out of my bar.”

See, this is why I hang out here, Don.  You got the best beer, and you got the right attitude.  But it’s  mostly the beer.

“And all this time I thought it was the hot dykes,” says Guido.

I don’t utter a word.  I may look dumb. but I’m ugly.

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7 Responses to Brew Hoo Ha

  1. Hose B says:

    How can there be too much beer?

  2. Key Liam says:

    I’ve had the same thought. A bunch of us went to that new place at Gulfstream with the 300 beers and ordered sampler, which means we tried several dozen. At the end of the night we didn’t find one brand we ever wanted to drink again. Not one. We all have our favorites, and we didn’t find anything to make us want to change. Keep your variety. Just pour me an Anchor Steam.

  3. Ted End says:

    I hate Belgians. Not the people, the beer. I don’t think I know any Belgian people. I don’t even know where Belgians live — Belgiana? But there have to be some because somebody makes that bad beer. Right?

  4. Robert says:

    I can recommend Danish beer!

  5. You May Call Me Pierre says:

    Beer is not worth arguing over. It is the least cultivated and lowest form of alcoholic beverage. It is no wonder that its champions are lowly Germans, Russians, eastern Europeans, and speakers of English. It takes an educated palate to appreciate the subtlety of wine. Most of the world (outside France) lacks this insight, and prefers to grovel and belch.

    • Kent Standit says:

      Totally impressed, Pee-Air. Say, maybe you can help me out — which French wine goes best with the horse meat your folks are so fond of?

      • ya' gotta' guessit says:

        Grovel? Belch??

        Isn’t that what you froggies did the last time the Wehrmacht came a-calling?

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