It’s A Jungle Out There

Officials in the Florida Everglades have captured and killed a 16-foot-long Burmese python that had just eaten an adult deer……The reptile was one of the largest ever found in South Florida.

[T]he python had recently consumed a 76-pound female deer.  — Msnbc

Doh!  A deer, a female deer……

Astonishing, isn’t it, how consistent the world is?  This non-native creature finds its way to America, and in no time it grows to obese dimensions.  The main difference between this dead python and the average south Florida elementary school student is that the python didn’t pig out on a diet of sugared soda products.

They all had about the same number of hours of arts education, too, but that’s another story, and not a pretty one.

Snakes don’t chew their food.  They open their jaws to unimaginable dimensions — this one accommodated 75 pounds of dead deer — then stuff the whole mess in and swallow.  I admire this approach and technique far more than those raised-pinky foodie types who ooh and aah over exotic mushroom pesto sauce, clucking and sipping and smacking their lips.  The python recognizes its basic need for nourishment and takes care of business.  It’s more honest, somehow, and therefore, in my mind, far more civilized.  When I see a table surrounded by foodies, or accidentally read one of their fingernails-on-the-blackboard blog posts, I have thoughts of starving them to death or force-feeding them, foi-gras-like, ‘til they split wide open.

Foodies are an unwelcome, invasive species on every continent they inhabit.  They’re lower on the totem pole than competitive eaters.  They lose sight of the fact that by focusing on fine dining, they don’t appreciate the blessing bestowed upon those of us at the top of the food chain.  Ask the python about that, let alone the dead deer.

By the way, the python was nicknamed “Chris Christie.”

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5 Responses to It’s A Jungle Out There

  1. Camiel Toe says:

    You’re way too harsh on foodies. They simply seek to help people enhance the sensual pleasure of taste and the enjoyable experience of dining. Do they get carried away with themselves sometimes, and get silly in their pomposity and attempt to outdo one another? Sure. But it’s just part of the game. Lighten up. Have a beer.

  2. PEHOA says:

    Thanks for your support. Feed us your foodies and we’ll let the deer run free!

    Pythons of the Everglades Home Owners Association

  3. Joe Balls says:

    I resent your grouping foodies with competitive eaters. Competitive eating rules. I like watching local contests, where new talent takes on the champions and eat themselves sick (which disqualifies them). It’s kind of like the thrill of watching car races and waiting for the collisions, but a whole lot funnier.

  4. Beardsley says:

    Coincidentally there’s a great story on pythons (and a great photo!) in today’s New York Times.

    They’re remarkable creatures. I agree, they don’t belong here, but then, that’s true of much of the invasive population especially in the cooler season.

  5. Pingback: » Episode 5 – Greek Salad On The Fence

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