Bottoms Up

According to experts — if that’s the right term — teenagers are getting high by inserting tampons soaked in vodka.

“It gets absorbed directly into the bloodstream. There’s no barrier, there’s no stomach acid to prevent it,” one official said….”I would expect it to absorb pretty quickly as well, because it’s a very vascular structure.

“[And] this is definitely not just girls.  Guys will also use it and they’ll insert it into their rectums.”  —

I know just what you’re thinking.  “Damn!  Why didn’t I know about this?”

I mention it to Don Tequila, tending bar this evening at the Liquor and Rubber Balls Sports Emporium and Custom Wheel Cover Shop.  Don’s a man who has seen and heard it all, and then some.  This stunned him.

“That’s gotta burn,” he says.  He shakes his head in disgust.  “And what a waste of vodka.”

“You know what’s a waste of vodka?” asks Cosmo, placing her empty glass where Don can attend to it.   “Buying that crusty bitch that just walked out on me two drinks.”  Except she didn’t use as nice a term as “bitch.”

I tell her what I just told Don and she nods her head.  “Sure, I tried that.  It burns a little, but that’s what tongues are for.”  She smiles.  “You better not try it, Squats.  You’re a tequila guy, and the salt would be torture.  Of course, you might like that, too.”

Nice to hear the reputation that precedes me is behind me.

“There’s also ‘butt chugging,’ using a beer bong,” she goes on, sipping her fresh drink.  “I can’t think that’s real pleasant coming or going, but hey — at least it’s only beer.”

India Pale Anus?  Pilsner Poop?

“Change the subject, willya?” says Don.  “Shit.  I got a business to run.”  He hands me 16 ounces of cold Anchor Steam, this month’s special draught.  Heaven.

“No problem,” says Cosmo, airily.  “I know you guys are kinda delicate.”  Without her shoes Cosmo is  under five feet tall, every inch barb wire.  “Wanna talk about the Eagles’ season instead?”

Actually, Cosmo, after Sunday’s game that’s not changing the subject at all.

That gets a laugh and we both enjoy our beverages using standard methods.

This entry was posted in The Adventures of Don Tequila. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Bottoms Up

  1. julesagray says:

    Sadly, I did know about this. Had a roommate in college who did this all the time, but she switched up the liquor every weekend. Her most potent? Tequila.

  2. Flaming Yon says:

    You straight guys don’t know what you’re missing.

  3. Barbara Ganousch says:

    This was big when I was in school, too. It’s called “slimming” when it’s performed vaginally, otherwise it’s called an ass bomb. After I tried the first way, I didn’t bother with the second!

  4. NOTE: There are certain times a month a woman shouldn’t do this. Just sayin’

  5. mkhall says:

    To quote a friend: “When I was a kid we didn’t have tampons. I had to wear a vodka-soaked maxi pad with a belt.”

  6. Ted Williams' Head says:

    In Soviet Russia, vodka-soaked tampons insert you.

  7. Mister E says:

    You don’t need a lot, either. A little dab’ll do ya!

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