Onward Christian Soldiers

Gosh it’s tough celebrating holidays in 21st century America.

Homeowners in Hudsonville, Mich., have been singled out for displaying what an anonymous letter-writer calls “pagan” lights and decorations on their properties.

On Wednesday night, residents of Vintage Drive found a letter attached to their mailboxes suggesting that anyone with Christmas lights or decorations should re-think their beliefs, because Christmas displays honor the “Pagan Sun-God” and do not pertain to the birth of Jesus.

Besides speaking against holiday lights, the note claimed that the use of mistletoe, wreaths and yule-logs were in no way representative of Christmas — yahoo.com

Well, okay.  Given my non-observant background (read: heathen), I couldn’t tell you what any of this crap has to do with the birth of Jesus or Christianity either.  Ditto Santa Claus and his sawed-off non-union elves, drunken groping at office parties, nausea-inducing music, and the entire retail season.  What’s the point?

This is just who we’ve become.  So what if we’ve corrupted beyond all decency and recognition the basic concepts of Christmas.   We’ve been doing it for years, and the clergy  themselves have been nothing but supportive.

As I say, I’m non-observant: in fact, a fucking atheist whose outmoded moral code suggests that an individual’s religious beliefs and celebration should be that individual’s private business.   Have a blast.  I’m happy for you.  Just leave me out of it.   I’ll stay here, from a safe distance I’d prefer you didn’t try to bridge with anything more intense or motivated than sharing a drink.

Want to string flammable light bulbs and dried wreaths around your house?   Go ahead — FPL thanks you.  Want to spend Christmas eve and/or morning on a hard bench listening to half-baked moralizing from some semi-educated knob in clerical garb pretending he or she isn’t a full-time fundraiser?  Knock yourself out and drive carefully back and forth.

Me, I’d worry my brain would fall out my yawn-hole.

Most people I know who claim they’re good Christians, lay people and clergy, are in fact good people.  They care, they’re decent and compassionate, and they don’t steal freight trains.   The ones I worry about are the gung–ho evangelical purists like these, eager to instruct the world on piety and practice.  They are the Inquisition, Puritans, Taliban with crosses.   They give religion a bad name.  They shit on Christmas and piss people off.

There’s a song by the band Cracker called, “Can I Take My Gun Up To Heaven?”.   While I can’t answer that, I’m pretty sure this time of year we need it here.

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12 Responses to Onward Christian Soldiers

  1. Dawgbowl says:

    So now it’s Christmas lights. It seems like there’s always some joker out there claiming to be holier than everybody else. I wonder if your pet “Christian Soul Neil” is behind this — if not, it’s some irritating boob like him.

  2. Lois Terms says:

    You left out drivers literally fighting over parking spots, thrown elbows in crowded shopping malls, harried counter persons and customers screaming at one another…. and that’s just Xmas shopping. Ir seems like the number of murders and suicides goes up, too. Happy Holidays!

  3. Kim Chee says:

    I was not a Christian and these traditions are foreign to me. From my viewpoint I notice this time of year, and this year especially, the festivity seems forced and even painful. It is sad.

  4. You infidels must die. Muhammad says Christmas lights are evil. They waste electricity.

    Jesus was evil when he said “go forth and multiply.” I guess that means “fuck a lot.”

  5. Hi boys. I can help you do that.

  6. George says:

    FPL loves this time of year. The additional revenue from all the lights just adds to their bonus/dividends.

  7. cljahn says:

    Me, I’m in it for the Egg Nog. Made correctly (and not bought at a store), it leaves you in a condition where the sparkly lights are endlessly fascinating, and people are just too damned funny to stay mad at.
    http://vanishingamerican.blogspot.com/2011/12/george-washingtons-eggnog.html

    Glug, a Swedish concoction involving a wine base instead of eggs and cream, as a similar impact. This drink will make you MERRY. Not happy, not buzzed, not shitfaced, but MERRY. You’ll understand why Sinterklass goes “ho-ho-ho.”
    http://manitouheights.com/rms/gloegg.shtml

    So cook up a batch, and lighten up. I guarantee that you’ll be glad you did.

    • odtley says:

      eggnog was the beverage of choice at the institution where i spent a xmas or 2 or 3 or 4 or 5 they run together and we used to drink it with our thors and rits and stels because what you said about the sparkling lights is true when you do that even if you close your eyes or just stare at white walls which is what we did most of the time anyway i miss those days merry xmas everyone.

  8. WhatWouldBuddhaDo says:

    This is out of control consumerism, not Christianity. Jesus didn’t have no tree, the roots here are in paganism.

    • Kent Standit says:

      I get it, BuddhaDo – the “roots” are pagan. Clever trevor! But in fact there’s no clear connection to this claim at all, and the Scripture(like Jeremiah) cited actually speaks against the point.

  9. Labrys says:

    I’m not Christian and from time to time, my skepticism almost overwhelms what possible cling-hold I have to any spirituality at all. I celebrate the turning year with bright lights and candles and greens because here in the Pac Nor’west, it is FREAKING DARK and I can use a festival of LIGHT to keep my brain alive.

    Any Christian sort who thinks I am not Christly enough can bite me. I do bite back, tho. Yum!

    • Kent Standit says:

      Labrys: what you said. I lived there for 3 years and what got me was the rain, the dark, and the cold. If Jesus could’ve cured that I’d’ve nailed my own hairy ass to a cross in gratitude. But he couldn’t, I didn’t, and now I light candles in Miami just for the goddam helluvit.

      Happy holiday season to you.

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