Let’s Give Them a Big Hand

In an ever-expanding race to the bottom in the world of sports, we’ve bumped up against something more nauseating than competitive eating:

World champion masturbator Masanobu Sato isn’t shy….He’s pleasured himself in front of crowds at San Francisco’s annual Masturbate-a-thon, and has even talked to the press about his handy, award-winning techniques.

In 2009, Sato broke his own record by masturbating for an impressive 9 hours and 58 minutes at the Masturbate-a-thon, the San Francisco Weekly reports. His previous record was 9 hours and 33 minutes.


 The Masturbate-a-thon is an annual affair sponsored by the Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco, where events are held in a place appropriately titled the “masturbatorium.”

If a man is taking part in a competition, he must stay aroused without ejaculating for as long as possible, a 2010 article in the San Francisco Weekly explains.  — Huffington Post

Wow, talk about endurance.  (I refer, of course, the audience.)

Do the contestants shake hands afterwards?

What are the rules about juicing, medication, and foreign substances?

It’s hard (!) to envision these athletes getting their pictures on Wheaties boxes any time soon.  Nor do I see an abundance of prospective sponsorship opportunities.  “Hi, I’m Masanobu Sato, 2011 World Masturbation Champion.  I drive a Toyota.  Manual transmission, naturally.  Ha ha ha!”  I dunno.  Maybe K-Y Jelly?

Look how this illustrates the fundamental distinction between genders.  Were this a competition among women, the objective would be the number of climaxes achieved, not the length of time of postponement.  I’d find that marginally more entertaining.

Even though it makes Jersey Shore look intellectual and classy by comparison, I don’t doubt there’s a market for this.  But include me out.  Maybe I’m just inhibited or snobby, but I just can’t embrace this sport, not even a little. If I want to see people abusing themselves I’ll go work for the government.

Maybe the whole thing is satire, and this is somebody sneering at sports and athletes in general.  A metaphor for the zillions of dollars and fanatical media coverage devoted to meaningless activities conducted by the self-indulgent, self-abusing, and just plain selfish.  Does that make more sense?

Wad the hell.

This entry was posted in Gen. Snark, Maj. Snafu, Corp. Punishment. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Let’s Give Them a Big Hand

  1. ya' gotta' guessit says:

    Nine hours and fifty eight minutes!
    Thank God for Lipschitz’ Scab-On-The-Prick Balm!!

  2. The MassPube says:

    They won’t make the Wheaties box but I hear that Jimmy Dean Sausage is interested.

  3. Frank of Oregon says:

    Too bad he’s not an American citizen. With no infidelity issues, there’s no question he’d be a viable Republican candidate for president.

  4. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such pigs.

    • Hans Job says:

      Peg, you’re the perfect match for Neil that Christian guy.

      You could spend your days together jerking him off as he moans, “You’re going to hell, but more babe more.”

      Be nice and make him nice and clean. It’s women’s work, ya know

  5. julesagray says:

    Leave Mumblety alone, fuckers.

  6. nonee moose says:

    Jurgen’s and the Massachusetts School of Bridgetending are likely takers.

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