If every winter day in south Florida was like today — New Year’s Day — I would never complain about our shitty winter weather: dry, cold, windy, bone-chilling. I mention this in an email to a friend in Chicago.
“Fuck you,” she emailed back. “It’s 12 here.”
Sure, I email back. But you’re an hour behind us. It’ll warm up.
“All the way to 22,” she confirmed. “Give it up, wuss. It was so cold overnight I couldn’t feel my own stiff nipples, although lord knows I tried. Winter just started and it’s already cold as a nun’s cunt. You asshole. Choad.”
I relay this exchange to Tanya Hyde, president of the Haulover Beach Tanorexics, when we meet for our traditional New Year’s Brunch on the Beach. Tanya is the color of stained mahogany, as always, and when I stand beside her I feel like I look as pale as Casper’s ass.
“You knew better than complaining about our winters to northerners,” she admonishes me. “You just wanted her to say something about her cold nipples so you had something to giggle about.”
I ask Tanya if the arrival of the New Year inspired her to wax philosophical about anything.
“The only thing I wax is my bikini line,” she replies. “I don’t care much about New Year’s. None of us do. What’s important is where the sun is. Right now it’s close but weak. The best rays are between 10 and 2. The calendar is unimportant. I made one New Year’s resolution in my entire life and I kept it — that’s why I’m here on the beach.”
Tanya is my hero, even though I sometimes suspect her lifestyle is subsidized by dermatologists and oncologists.
I made some resolutions this year. Go back to work: we need the money. Less time on teh internets. More sunscreen (sorry, Tanya) — those last few surgeries were plain nasty and there’s more in store if that painful shit on my forehead is what I think it is. Start thinning the landscaping: it’s futile to maintain a rain forest in the back yard. Play more music. Make sure Guido is happy because if she isn’t, nothing else is worth worrying about.
Pretty basic stuff, right? But I’m pretty basic myself, just a regular guy with a hole in my ass who comes in colors everywhere. When I can.
Happy Gnu Years.