Inside Report from Down Under

The follow-up treatment for prostate cancer patients treated with radiation includes a review of PSA levels every 6 months and a manual exam.  So I pack up my glowing, radiated prostate and drive it over to the urologist’s.

“Any problems to report?” he asks me, reviewing the record.

I lost some money on the Green Bay game, and my iPod battery seems to have died.

He’s used to me by now.  “I mean physical problems,” he says.

Well, hell.  Those two things are a huge pain in the ass.

“You don’t know what a pain in the ass is,” says Guido.  “But keep it going.  You will.”

“How many times are you getting up in the night to urinate?”

None.  It’s winter.  The floor is cold.  I just wet the bed.

He notes the record while Guido makes that funny growling noise she uses to scare the cats off the table.  What a team they make.

I show him what I think is a bruise on my dick — a very sore area that is discolored and tender to the touch.  He says he doesn’t see anything out of the ordinary.  “Did you do this during sex?” he asks.

That’s likely, especially with Guido.  I mean, ONLY with her.  ONLY!

“Isn’t it about time you performed the exam?” Guido suggests to the doctor who is unsuccessfully repressing his laughter.  “Because if not, I have something sharp of my own to stick in him.”

He snaps his rubber gloves and motions toward the table.  I drop trou and bend over.  What a job this poor man has chosen for himself.  He runs his right arm in up to the elbow, then shoulder.  You think I exaggerate?  When he’s done he tells me my prostate feels fine, but I should have my top left molar checked out.

I flee to the bathroom to pee and exhale anally.  Aaah, the fine bourquet of latex and KY Jelly.  Takes me back to my days hanging out at the Glory Hole Inn.  Yeah, I said it — “hanging out.”

On the way out the physician’s assistant writes me a prescription for another PSA test, then has me bend over so she can repeat the manual exam.  The receptionist sets up another appointment, stamps my parking ticket, and performs another manual exam.  I wobble out with Guido, get the car, and drive to the payment booth.  The attendant, seeing that the ticket was stamped by the urologist’s office, performs a manual exam.

Everybody wants to get into the act.

As we’re heading home, Guido suggests we pick up something to eat.  “If you don’t want to sit anywhere, we can get it to go,” she offers.

Go?  Go where?  Damn — not again!  Enough already!

Keep an eye on your prostate health, gentlemen.  Cancer may be coming to an asshole near you.  Very, very near.

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7 Responses to Inside Report from Down Under

  1. julesagray says:

    my dad has prostate cancer. Sucks out loud.

  2. Ted Williams' Head says:

    How can you joke about this? I found myself cringing and laughing at the same time. Actually, that sort of describes my marriage, too.

  3. Mister E says:

    You’d have to be a contortionist to keep an eye on your own prostate gland. But your point is valid.

  4. mkhall says:

    Yeah, it sucks to start having symptoms while you are uninsured, too. “Well, if you *have* cancer we can treat you, but we can’t provide any tests to *check* for it. Let us know when you can prove you have cancer.”

    Is this a great country, or what?

    • Squathole says:

      Kevin: Unacceptable as it is classic. The system exists to expensively treat, not inexpensively prevent. It regards your organs as prospective revenue, and maximizes their potential to generate income. Your Cancer = their money.

      However, the test for prostate cancer starts with a simple blood test to check PSA levels. Any GP can prescribe this, and it’s not expensive. The level itself may not be a definite indicator, but it serves as a baseline. A second test a year later would be strong evidence if that PSA level increases. Now you’re a candidate for a biopsy. While I don’t know the ins and outs of doing that without insurance, I think you can convince a physician that it’s medically indicated.

      Prostate cancer grows very slowly. A year sounds like a lot, but it isn’t, not in the early stages. Still, the sooner it’s stopped, the better the chances of control.

      I was completely asymptomatic. We caught it when the PSA kept rising, and coupled with my family history, it was a likely outcome. The biopsy confirmed that it although was rather developed, spread to both sides of the gland, it wasn’t aggressive. Only time will tell if the radiation treatment worked, Hence the close watch.

      I suggest getting the initial PSA while you continue the bureaucratic battle. At some point you’ll prevail, and that baseline number will become very significant.

      The insurance/health care set-up in this country is barbaric.

  5. One Man's Opinion says:

    Healthcare is big business. Until this country changes its mind set from allopathic healthcare to preventative healthcare we’re all screwed. We’ll continue to be financially raped by the healthcare profession and die of diseases that should have been eradicated decades ago. And people are affraid of ObamaCare!? Give me a break….just don’t let be any bones….can’t afford it!

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