The “Up Yours” Equality Bill

This just, um, in:

To protest a bill that would require women to undergo an ultrasound before having an abortion, Virginia State Sen. Janet Howell (D-Reston) on Monday attached an amendment that would require men to have a rectal exam and a cardiac stress test before obtaining a prescription for erectile dysfunction medication.

“We need some gender equity here,” she told HuffPost. “The Virginia senate is about to pass a bill that will require a woman to have totally unnecessary medical procedure at their cost and inconvenience. If we’re going to do that to women, why not do that to men?” —RestonPatch

On good turn deserves another.  Heh heh heh.  And hats off to Senator Janet Howell.  It’s refreshing to see an elected official take aim and hit the bulls-eye the way she did with this one.

My sole reservation is that a rectal exam doesn’t have quite the same impact as the ultrasound.  The fact is, while they would vigorously deny it, under most circumstances most men thoroughly enjoy having their butts penetrated.  Some even pay for the privilege.  True, much depends on the individual penetrator and what he/she uses to perform the penetration.  (Other factors include the relative comfort of the wrist and restraints.  But we digress.)

What we need is an approach that strikes at the very essence of who and what men are, and renders them helpless and disoriented, in the grip of a system as powerful as it is irrational that blocks their way for no other reason than that power’s boneheaded ideology.  Sort of like monogamy.
So if we’re talking about erectile dysfunction here, I suggest the comparable procedure for the Virginia senate to consider should be a cystoscopic examination.  This is the delightful process where a device is inserted through the hole of the penis and pushed through as far as the urethra — although most veterans of the ordeal report that it feels as though penetration extends as far north as the eyebrows.  It is hideously painful on the way in, while it’s in, and on its merry way out.  And the next few urinations are memorable for not only the victim, but any and all within earshot.  I caused two unfortunate bystanders to experience temporary deafness when I visited the echoing cement facilities at the clinic after I had this done.  I pissed blood for a week, too.

Oh, stop cringing.  In the old days they used whale bones.  Cleared that syphilis-induced blockage of crusty blood and pus right up, and the dudes were back in the saddle firing their shots in no time.

While this may sound extreme, it might drive home to these sanctimonious vermin in the Senate that they are ‘way out of line, off-base, even fascistic.  The reveal themselves as ignoramuses in science as well as law, and their morality is miserably misplaced.  Clearly reason has not worked on them, nor has the will of their constituents, scientific evidence, or historical precedent.  This leaves brute force.  You can’t reason with a jackass.  That’s why god invented sticks.

It is not why he invented whale bones, but sometimes ya gotta improvise.  Hence this proposal.




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14 Responses to The “Up Yours” Equality Bill

  1. Peg Mumbles says:

    Dudes are such swine.

    I’m the classy Peg.

  2. A Perfect Christian says:

    So it follows that Jesus was a porcine savior. Jews don’t eat pork, but he did create crusty blood and pus infections all over the Holy Land.

    Sadly, Jesus was indeed a pig.

  3. Education Talk Radio says:

    You’re on the right track, but I would change the newer proposal to that when anyone in Virginia was Viagra, they cystoscope the nearest male state legislator. .Janet Howell…..you go girl!

    • * Rim Shot * says:

      They’d have to change their tourist slogan from “Virginia Is For Lovers” to “Vaginas are for Viagra.” Or something.

  4. Mister E says:

    Where did you get the idea that “most men” enjoy getting their butts stuffed? Have you been hanging out in LGBT-ville?

    • Camiel Toe says:

      In my experience, men get off on this even as they say they don’t like it. Some love it, of course. Then there’s the ones who like ‘sounding,’ which is closer to what Squatter is suggesting. That can turn into a bloody mess. I send those guys, um, packing..

  5. Lois Terms says:

    She has my vote. Good job reporting this.

  6. Medical Personnel says:

    “This is the delightful process where a device is inserted through the hole of the penis and pushed through as far as the urethra”

    Just wanted to clarify for you……the hole in the penis IS the urethra, and the device is inserted up to &/or into the bladder.

    Now, quit your whining.

  7. Fran G'Panni says:

    “What we need is an approach that strikes at the very essence of who and what men are, and renders them helpless and disoriented, in the grip of a system as powerful as it is irrational that blocks their way for no other reason than that power’s boneheaded ideology. Sort of like monogamy.”

    I sure hope you like anal pentration because when Guido sees this you can expect a week of it.

  8. Polly Pundit says:

    Your “candidate” Rick Santorum loves santorum….now in minty fresh flavour…as we say here in the UK.

    XOXO
    Polly

  9. Ya' Gotta' Guessit says:

    This is all horseshit. – there is no need to balance anything, here.

    Women get back at men by (wo)manning every front desk and back room at every urologist’s office in the United States, and they do NOT fucking care about your “level of discomfort”.

    My “level of discomfort” once equalled the effect of pissing hot lead, and it wasn’t until my Irish wife took the phone from me, and explained precisely what she would do to that rancid cunt of a gatekeeper, that an emergency apointment could be arranged.

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