Hats In the Ring

The way I see it, the ‘Pubs are so set on destroying one another in their race back to the 12th  century that none of the long-shoed, red-nosed, horn honking, seltzer-squirting  candidates have a chance to beat the Kenyan Socialist Muslim in November.  (And did you notice that he’s Black?)  So they’re scratching around for an alternative.

For example, here’s ‘Pub pundit Man Coulter wistfully imagining a Jeb Bush candidacy:

On Sunday’s broadcast of the Fox News Channel’s “Fox & Friends,” Ann Coulter… said that former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush’s comment that Republican presidential candidates are “appealing to people’s fears and emotion” shows that he is hoping to be the GOP presidential candidate….“It looks like we can throw Jeb Bush’s hat in the ring along with Sarah Palin as hoping to be chosen as the nominee after a contested convention,” Coulter said. “But you know, as we saw with Rick Perry, there’s a point to seeing these people in a debate.”dailycaller.com

Wow, Jeb!  That should excite the base.  Get the old man out to campaign for him, too —  line up Latin support with his fond mention of his grandchildren, “the little brown ones.”

But seriously, folks, the ‘Pubs aren’t even close to desperation.  There are plenty of potential candidates out there.  For example:

A southeastern Pennsylvania man is behind bars after police say he walked naked into a Philadelphia-area Walmart and stole a pair of socks….Verdon Lamont Taylor, 32, was arrested Wednesday night after police say he stripped off his clothes in the parking lot of the Exton store and went inside.

Police told local media outlets that surveillance footage shows the 6-foot-4, 300-pound Downingtown man walking around the store wearing nothing but a pair of socks he had stolen there. The video also shows shoppers avoiding Taylor. — USNews.msnbc

Depending on his view of the automotive industry bail-out, this might be their man!  He could lock up support from the PA/OH/IN/IL rust belt.  Assuming he owns a belt.  Or what about:

Home to Mount Everest, the world’s highest peak, the scenic country of Nepal on Sunday added another height-related superlative – of having the world’s shortest man….A Guinness World Records team measured Chandra Bahadur Dangi at 21.5 inches, declaring the 72-year-old even shorter the previous title holder, Junrey Balawing, from the Philippines, who stood at 23.5 inches at the age of 18 last year.

“The good news is that Chandra Bahadur Dangi is the world’s shortest living man,” Guinness Records Editor-in-Chief Craig Glenday told reporters after measurements were taken. — msnbc

Whoa, the perfect combination of ethnic diversity and world record achiever!  It’s what ‘Pubs are all about — he got to this lofty plateau without a single dollar of welfare, affirmative action benefits, or disability rights litigation!  Or:

America’s diner is always open, but police say a 52-year-old man toting a briefcase and packing a stun gun took the slogan too far when he walked into a Denny’s restaurant, claimed to be the new manager and cooked himself a cheeseburger and fries.

Officers confronted the man and found a stun gun on his belt beneath his trench coat and suit jacket, along with what appeared to be two crack pipes.

“He was cooperative with the officer, but as he was about to be led from the restaurant, he yelled out to those eating: “This is why you don’t dine and dash kiddies,” according to the police report.  —msnbc

A rugged individualist, capitalist, and pick-yourself-up-from-the-boot straps conservative unimpressed by government job-killing regulations.   And a gun owner, to boot!  How can the ‘Pub base resist this rags-to-riches story?

True, none of these diamonds in the rough have mentioned political aspirations, but that just means they’re truly “outsiders” uncorrupted by Washington, and ideally situated to reform the sick and narcissistic system we citizens endure today.  And be sure they haven’t been brainwashed by American-hating liberals in the universities, media, and Hollywood.

Relax, ‘Pubs.  Your pool of talent is deeper and wider than Chris Christy’s orifices combined.

This entry was posted in Gen. Snark, Maj. Snafu, Corp. Punishment. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Hats In the Ring

  1. Ruh Roh says:

    This isn’t as far-fetched as you’d like to make it. If Mormon and Sanctimoron keep beating one another up like they have so far, neither will go to the convention with enough delegates to win, which means a brokered convention at which a third nominee could theoretically emerge. But what makes anybody think that somebody else would have any more success uniting the party around his or her candidacy? The Rethuglicans have been in circular firing squad formation since 2008. Remember Bobby Jidhal, their new face and savior?

  2. 'Nonymous says:

    Re: the 12th century remark. You’re okay with a socialist administration whose idea of foreign policy is sending a letter of apology to Muslim fanatics while forcing religious institutions in his own country to either break the law or violate their own principles, right?

  3. Hose B says:

    What Ruh Roh said. Sure, Jeb Bush isn’t quite the loony toon that Skantorum is, or the flip-flopping invertebrate Mittens proves himself to be, or the bomb throwing blabbermouth Gingrich (who might make yet another comeback if the other two knock each other down enough). But remember — his name is Bush, and his record isn’t exactly overwhelming, especially to Floridians who know him best. Plus he’d have to start from Ground zero.

    I might feel bad for ther Republicans if they weren’t a pack of dangerous asshats whose concern for the rich — that is, themselves — overwhelms every other instinct they have.

  4. Lois Terms says:

    You should have titled this “Asshats In the Ring.”

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