Catch and Release

February 29 is known as Sadie Hawkins Day.  Tradition has it that on this day, a woman may propose marriage to a man.   This is how Guido handled it back in the 20th century, and I’ve been serving a life sentence since.

Which is one reason this caught my eye:

Over the past 20 years, the divorce rate among baby boomers has surged by more than 50 percent, even as divorce rates over all have stabilized nationally. At the same time, more adults are remaining single. The shift is changing the traditional portrait of older Americans: About a third of adults ages 46 through 64 were divorced, separated or had never been married in 2010, compared with 13 percent in 1970, according to an analysis of recently released census data conducted by demographers at Bowling Green State University, in Ohio. — NYTimes

Peace, love, and divide the property.  

I ask Guido if she ever thought about divorce.  “Why bother?” she asked, not even looking up from the fly whose wings she was tearing off.  “I know where you sleep.  I’ll just cut your throat.”

Ha ha, what a kidder!  This is a bluff on her part — she really hates it whenever we spill blood on the sheets during our routine S&M sessions —  so I’m not even a little bit worried.  Well, maybe a little.  

But it’s irrelevant anyway: this is my first and last marriage and I will die a married man, sooner or later, even if it’s the marriage (or more likely the spouse) that kills me.  That’s for the record.  Save the knives for the door-to-door political candidates and Jehovah’s Witnesses.  Remember, Guido’s Italian — she don’t like no witnesses.

Now if you’d like to read up on a troubled baby boomer marriage, you don’t have to travel very far at all.

If a court brief filed by federal prosecutors is even partly true, Ben and Narcy Novack had a profoundly dysfunctional marriage — and a life of sex, limbs and duct tape would have made a South Beach madam blush.
Narcy, who faces trial next month in her hotel tycoon husband’s slaying, told the FBI and others that her husband was a pedophile who would give artificial limbs free to amputees in return for sex; that he arranged sham marriages as part of an immigration scam involving his exotic dancer mistress, and that he encouraged his wife to duct-tape him and abuse him during sex. — Miami Hurled


This, if you haven’t been following, is the sordid tale of the wealthy Fontainebleau heir, not a common garden variety stump fetishist.  He met a bad end, allegedly at the hands of his wife: 

Ben Novack, son of the man who built Miami Beach’s landmark Fontainebleau hotel, was found beaten to death on July 11, 2009, in his hotel in Rye Brook, N.Y., where he was at an Amway meeting he had booked as part of his $50-million-a-year convention planning business. His body, which was bound and gagged with his eyes slit, was found by his wife, a former stripper with whom he had a tumultuous 17-year marriage.

His mother, onetime queen of the Fontainebleau, was found dead in her Fort Lauderdale home three months before. Her death was initially ruled accidental by Fort Lauderdale police and the then-Broward County medical examiner. After Ben Novack was found dead, however, police were forced to reopen the case and eventually new evidence showed that she in fact had been beaten to death with a monkey wrench in her garage.

I guess they missed that monkey wrench the first time around.  It’s so hard to get and keep good help these days.

Prosecutors also intend to introduce evidence of a 2002 incident at Ben and Narcy’s Fort Lauderdale home in which Narcy handcuffed him to a chair and blindfolded him, leading him to believe they were about to engage in a bondage/sexual ritual that was a “mainstay of their marriage.” Instead, she slugged him in the face and removed property and thousands of dollars from the house.

Afterward, she told police that she was upset because her husband was having sex with amputees and that their marriage was so physically, sexually and emotionally abusive that she had left him as many as 50 times.

And came back 50 times.  Love that abuse.  Well, up to a point.

So you see, marriage isn’t for everybody, including some who are already married, which is why there is divorce, duct tape, and blunt instruments.  

The next Sadie Hawkins Day will arrive in 2016.  I hope you’re prepared. 
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9 Responses to Catch and Release

  1. ya' gotta' guessit says:

    Ha, Ha!
    Amway, artificial limbs, and a monkey-wrench beatdown – it’s like a Charles Willeford book!

    Oh, and your wife is almost certainly going to kill you.
    And you can bet that any & all potential witnesses will have been in the bathroom when it happened.

  2. THE MASSPUBE says:

    That first one, the guy giving prostheses for sex …I need a new penis…..do you happen to have his phone number handy?

  3. Barbara Ganoush says:

    What a charming little story those Novacks are. Who says money can’t buy happiness?

  4. Hose B says:

    This is new territory for me — is the expression “stump fetishist” politically correct? Shouldn’t it be something like, “limbically challenged” or maybe “femur free,” depending on the limb?

  5. Gender Bender says:

    Still looks like she’s with a man to me.

  6. Tiny Bubbles says:

    Silly man, you said yes. She who must be obeyed now stores your jewels in her top bureau drawer!

  7. Anonymous says:

    Nice story, however, Sadie Hawkins Day is in November. It first appeared in Lil’ Abner Nov 15th 1937 and had been celebrated on the Second Saturday or traditionaly Nov 13th since the 1950’s (According to farmers Almanac) Al Capp obligingly made it a tradition in the strip every November, lasting four decades.

    • Squathole says:

      Anonymous: You are correct, although I’d hesitate to use the word “celebrated.” 🙂 Leap Day is also recognized traditionally as a day when a female may make the Ask — I know this from personal experience — but it’s not Sadie Hawkins Day.

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