Can I Get a Witness?

Here’s a little backdrop as the local debate on Miami-Dade’s “breed-specific” prohibition against pit bulls continues.

A 77-year-old grandmother is recovering after being attacked by two pit bulls in a neighborhood outside of Austin, Texas.  Luckily, a few good Samaritans came to her rescue. 

Three Jehovah’s witnesses were visiting the neighborhood when they heard June O’Hara’s screams and joined a college student, trying to fight off the dogs.   The Jehovah’s witnesses decided to seek a little divine intervention.

“I actually threw two Bibles. And they did back up. They backed up when I threw the Bibles at ‘em.  So the Bibles did help.”  

Finally, as first responders arrived, the dogs released the victim. Animal Control captured both pit bulls.  O’Hara…sustained 12 puncture wounds to the head and a deep bite on her stomach. —

My first thought, of course, is that perhaps they should consider a local breed-specific prohibition against Jehovah’s Witnesses.  That might eliminate this problem, as well as others, such as infestations of clean cut well-dressed prayer harpies badgering decent people in their homes on Saturday mornings when they’re still sobering up.  

And if that fails, how about a breed-specific prohibition against grandmothers?  

The only reason pit bulls have a bad reputation is that they’re prone to insane violence, viciously and apparently randomly attacking other dogs and human beings, often with seriously damaging results like crushed skulls, ruined limbs, and even death.  (Don’t argue, just do your own Googling, willya?  I don’t get paid for this shit.)   Not even radio baboon Michael Sewage is this nasty, although he has been known to foam.  And like the old folk song goes, There’s no hate like foam.  

Then there’s the school of thought that says we have this all backwards — these pit bulls were just doing what any one of would do if we could get away with it, namely set upon these annoying Holy Joes and driving them, broken and bleeding, into obscurity.  We should be thanking them for their devotion and  service to the community.  Good dog.  Here’s a femur. 

The other intriguing angle on this story is the reported effect of hurled bibles at those vicious curs to repel the attack.  If I’m of evangelical persuasion, I seize upon this opportunity like a Gideon in a new hotel: I stir up anti-Pit Bull fervor and advise the populace to arm itself not with tasers or 38 specials, but hard-cover bibles.  Campaign slogan: Your Bible’s Bark is Bigger than the Pit Bull’s Bite!   Can I hear an Amen?

I suppose you skeptics and agnostics out there would reply that is wasn’t the fact they were bibles, just good-sized blunt objects, and that a good-sized rock or chunk of cinderblock would have even more effective.  Get real.  Who goes door to door on Saturday mornings trying to convert their neighbors with rocks?  Besides the Taliban I mean.

There’s no question that some will swear it was the Word of God that stopped these Satanic attacks and saved Grandma O’Hara’s life.  Just as there are some who insist that there’s nothing inherently dangerous about pit bulls — you know, the It’s-Not-The-Breed-It’s-The-Owners  school of thought.  It’s their reality, we’re just visiting.

In sum, while I like the concept of breed-specific prohibitions, I’m a bit worried that it might be abused.  No, wait. I’m even more worried it won’t be used enough.   I would prohibit whole breeds of politicians, texters, teetotalers, speedo-wearing French Canadians, and anybody who “dresses ironically.”  Oh, and mimes.  Especially mimes.
Now can I hear an Amen?
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7 Responses to Can I Get a Witness?

  1. julesagray says:

    My sister rescues pitties and every one she’s rescued turned out to be great dogs. So yes, I subscribe to the ‘it’s the owner, not the breed’ mantra.

    • Dawgbowl says:

      The problem with the mantra is the same problem with automatic weapons. The vast majority of weapons owners are responsible and non-violent citizens. But the potential for damage is such that there is a genuine positive outcome to restricting their possession. The fact that pit bulls are disproportionately responsible for attack and injury suggests they are too volatile a breed for an urban population to absorb without the potential (and actual) tragic consequences. I’m a dog person myself, and I’ve known some wonderful pit bulls (as well as Dobermans, another fear-inspiring breed). But I favor Miami-Dade’s ban, and suspect it would be a wise precaution in other communities as well.

  2. ya' gotta' guessit says:

    “Now can I hear an Amen?”

    Not from an effing mime, you won’t.

    • Diesel Fitter says:

      Word. As far as I’m concerned the ONLY acceptable use for a pit bull is to control the mime population.

  3. You May Call me Pierre says:

    A point of clarification, please: The problem with French Canadians is not they are French, but that they are Canadians.

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