The Newser You Weird, The Reader You Find

There were some truly amazing stories on Tuesday’s Newser.

Trenton city employees may soon have to start BYOTP to work. Unless a purchasing contract conflict is resolved soon, City Hall will run out of toilet paper by Friday — Newser

Reached for comment, a spokesthing for Gov. Chris Christie snorted disdainfully: “Bee Eff Dee. This is fuckin Jersey. We can use the Bill of Rights like we’re used to.”


Police stopped Thomas Robert Harter, 44, halfway across the [Causeway Bridge over Lake Pontchartrain] bridge about 5:40pm, after another motorist reported his car swerving and speeding….Harter got out of the car without being asked, waving his arms in the air. Police say he was swaying and smelled of alcohol, so they asked him to perform a field sobriety test. He agreed, but then “bolted” and leapt into the water 20 feet below. The water was rough and the winds high, but Harter managed to grab a utility building at the base of the bridge. He was hauled out of the 60-degree water intact, and arrested for what will be his eighth drunk-driving charge.

From this distance, I’d say drinking is not his biggest problem. No matter how soused, your garden variety alcoholic doesn’t jump off a bridge for any reason, least of all to flee to safety. My best guess here is that the cops pitched him overboard, certain the combination of the fall, the cold water, and his drunken state, he’d perish. New Orleans police have a deservedly bad reputation for just this sort of abuse — remember Katrina? Now, because he survived, he’s in real big trouble.

On to Oklahoma.

Oklahoma Republicans want welfare recipients to pass a drug test before receiving public assistance—and the state’s politicians may be subjected to the same requirement before seeking office. Democratic legislators, irked by the original Republican-sponsored welfare drug test bill, added an amendment that would require would-be politicians to also submit to drug testing, and the bill passed the state House 82-6 yesterday.

The only way this makes sense is that in order to run for office, you need to test positive. Look around this country — is there any doubt we’d be better off if our elected officials were on drugs? Strong drugs? Good for Oklahoma, where the corn is high as an elephant’s eye and so are the people who run the place.

Let’s talk about glands.

There may be a new weapon in the fight against prostate cancer: circumcision. A study finds that men circumcised before their first time having sex had a 15% lower risk of the disease.

Let’s point our first that the expression “cut the risk” in this context is very poor taste. (So is the word “taste,” Beavis. Uh-huh huh.) Next let’s clarify that despite this summary, the study does NOT suggest that men should undergo circumcision just before having sex the first time. They should probably wait a several days, depending on how late in life they have it done. Personally, I waited years. Too many years. Finally, it’s no guarantee. I was circumcised at birth and contracted prostate cancer anyway. No, I will not request a refund of my foreskin. Or my virginity.

Good stuff, Newser! And we didn’t even get to Jew Lake, an Italian village declaring death illegal, or former VP Dick Cheney canceling a trip to Canada because it’s “too dangerous.”

Next time, I swear!

This entry was posted in Gen. Snark, Maj. Snafu, Corp. Punishment, NIMBY. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The Newser You Weird, The Reader You Find

  1. Old Timer says:

    News flash: Nobody gets your Oklahoma reference.

  2. odtley says:

    if i were in charge and thank god im not because being in charge would be the excuse to rip everything down and start over and once it was all ripped down id probably lose interest and somebody elses would have to take over but if that happened i wouldnt want it to be anybody who didnt at least do drugs once in a while because anybody that doesnt is very limited and hung up and not in touch with who most of us here on the streets is really like

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