Good day! Let’s begin with a quick video message from the Male Cancer Awareness Campaign.
Want to see it again? I thought so.
On sort of a related note, I drop in to the Liquor and Rubber Balls Sports Bar and Silkscreen Texting and bump into professional gambler Duck Diamonds, just as he’s ending a telephone call. He shakes his head in disgust.
“Guy wants to know where the smart money is on the Peyton Manning signing,” he says.
Well, I know where it’s not. Town called Miami.
“Never say never, but that’s not the point,” says Duck. “First of all, the ‘smart money’ isn’t on gambling. The ‘smart money’ is in your wallet, or your mattress, or invested in something that makes sense. Bookies don’t know from ‘smart money.’
“Second, if you’re gonna bet on something in sports, bet on something in sports. Like the score of the game. Or the point spread and the over/under. Or who wins the division. Not who the motherloving quarterback is gonna get his next big payday from.”
He takes a long drink from his pint of Guinness draught. I signal the bartender to bring me one as well.
“I got no money on where he signs,” he says — which might actually be true, but one never knows with Duck; he might be selling me something, or just fishing for another sucker — “but like you just said, I don’t think he’s coming here either. If assholes had wings, the Dolphins organization would be an airport, and everybody knows it, including Peyton Manning. Especially Peyton Manning.”
Is that a bad thing or a good thing for the Dolphins?
“That depends on what they do next. And a lot of factors they have less control over. But see — what gives you an edge in any sports competition is limiting the number and the seriousness of factors you don’t control, and managing what you do control intelligently. This management team is real bad at both ends of that, and they have the record to prove it.
And Manning knows this.
“Sure he knows this. His people know this. These people got enough brains to understand you don’t try to pick up shit from the clean end, and at this stage of his career, he’s not gonna waste his time. There’s plenty of better deals out there. What might happen, though, is this tells the Dolphins they need to make some serious changes and stop putting band-aids on broken bones and running sores.”
Running sores? Is that like a running back?
“Naw, it’s two Indians. Broken Bones and Running Sores. I saw their names in the draft.”
Solemnly, we click glasses of the other draught and swallow some Guinness as somewhere else, Saint Patrick benevolently smiles.