The Yolk’s On Them

Happy Good Friday (says the non-believing atheist).  Easter is one of the two annual holidays where pastors actually see their congregants inside the church.  So if you’re a member of the C&E tribe, remember not to leave too early, as the regulars can get mighty fussy about their customary spots in the pew.

(Monday headline: “Two Killed Five Injured as Spat in Pew Leads to Easter Stand-Your-Ground Confrontation.”  Hmm.  “Pew Spat.”  Needs work.)

If there is one thing in life at which fanatical Christian fundamentalists excel, it’s ruining holidays for other celebrants.  Remember Jesusween?  But really, nobody gets too terribly upset because Halloween lost whatever minor religious significance it claimed centuries ago.

Easter is another matter entirely.  It’s a serious holiday, noting the miracle of resurrection that is the essence of Christian Faith.  Really!  What, you thought it was opposing communism and Obamacare, or assassinating physicians who perform abortions?

Still, Easter in Americas has suffered the same commercialization as Christmas.  Please do not blame the Jews — this is not their tribal revenge for nailing one (actually many) to a cross 2,000 years ago.  The upshot is silliness like Easter eggs and Easter bunnies and all sorts of tasty tooth-rotting  candy.  Not to mention increased traffic on X-rated web sites like CrucifiedWomen.com.  (You can find the link yourselves, party people.)

But leave it to creation scientist Dr. Daniel Cameroon to piddle on even this little bit of fun:

Are Your Children Playing With Lucifer’s Testicles? is a Bible based book for Christian parents who by lack of faith can’t afford to send their children to a decent Christian school.  Their precious youngsters are infected by the secular filth and lies being taught by unsaved teachers in America’s public school system.  The book teaches parents how to easily explain to their children that Easter (as it is celebrated by the Unsaved) has absolutely nothing to do with Jesus Christ but is actually a holiday celebrating lewd and sexually explicit pagan rituals of fertility. — landoverbaptist.org

We’re at the point of the essay where nothing I can think of tops what the author himself writes:

“It’s not that difficult to understand,” says Author/Creation Scientist, Dr. Daniel Cameroon. “In the old days, deluded pagans would gather round and hump like bunnies on Easter Sunday because they thought it would make their tomatoes grow faster.”

OMG — does that work?  And will it work for my citrus trees?  One blue pill is a whole lot cheaper than the pounds of fertilizer I apply 3 times a year, and a lot easier to administer.

“Easter Eggs are one of the wiliest tools of the Devil,” he says. “Pagan kids didn’t have anything to do on Easter Sunday because their mommies and daddies were stuck in a false temple all day, naked and writhing around with their neighbors in Satanic orgies of the flesh.  You see, parents had to come up with a way to occupy their children while they were away from home, praying and fornicating under the altar of Satan.  And since they didn’t have babysitters back then, they gave their kids eggs to play with and sometimes paint,” he says. “But the reason they chose eggs had nothing to do with any sort of fertility or fertilizers (as some misguided Christian historians would have you believe).  Nope, it was because of Lucifer’s testicles!”

Oh, egg-cellent.  I wonder what he’d have to say if there was such a thing as an Easter Salami.

Happy Eater, everybody.  Buy the book.  See the movie.  Go to Church.  Me and Guido, we’re gonna fertilize the citrus trees.

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7 Responses to The Yolk’s On Them

  1. Anonymous says:

    You’re actually on to something, Squathole – it would be difficult to name another religion whose most important & sacred holidays have been so corrupted & trivialized.

    But you’re hanging a bad rap on your Hebrew antecedents – the Romans did all of the actual crucifying, back then, so no hard feelings.

    • Squathole says:

      No rap at all — just saying the ruination of the holidays shouldn’t be seen as Jewish revenge on the holidays’ celibrants, as in, “You bastards crucified one of ours, so we’ll pee all over your Macy’s parade.”

      Besides, I don’t have any Hebrew antecedents. I had a Hebrew Auntie Lillian, though. She used to whip up a wicked beef brisket this time of year.

  2. mkhall says:

    I am loathe to point this out, but Landover Baptist is satire. Says a lot, though, that this sounds so utterly believable.

    Have fun dyeing your eggs!

  3. guido says:

    “One blue pill is a whole lot cheaper than the pounds of fertilizer I apply 3 times a year, and a lot easier to administer.”

    Guess again squatty. Especially with the insurance you have now, just 1 of those little blue pills will cost more than all the fertilizer you use in a year.

  4. Old Timer says:

    We’re so old that this year we used cartons of egg whites instead of eggs. Cholesterol, you know. Wonder what Satan would say about that.

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