2-4-6-8, Let’s All Depilitate

This one’s for Mumblety Peg.

Years  after the word “metrosexual” entered the mainstream, there’s nothing eyebrow-raising about men getting a manicure or a facial. Lately though, guys’ grooming has gone one step further, deep into territory that was previously reserved solely for women: bikini waxing.

Men’s bikini waxing accounts for around 70 percent of the weekly business at Face to Face, a discreet salon in the Flatiron district of Manhattan with a predominantly male clientele founded eight years ago by Enrique Ramirez. “

The salon offers a full Brazilian called South of the Border for $70, along with partial treatments. Also on its menu is something called “pejazzling,” in which crystals in patterns like stars and dolphins are affixed on newly defuzzed skin.  — NYTimes

“Pejazzling.”  Damn.  Just when I think I’m out there on the edge of a trend, somebody comes along and leaves me in the dark ages.

But back up.

I’ve never been fond of body hair, male or female.  On a woman I find it somewhere between gross and repulsive, on a man I find it just ugly.  Even when it comes to redheads, a strange human mutation for whom I share a fetish with most of the male members of my family, there are strict limitations.

So years ago, inspired by porn stars, I started my own program and never looked back.  Just down.

Once you start there, you might as well keep going.  Your perspective changes.  Growing up, a hairy chest was a sign of masculinity.  Now when I see one it reminds me of a billy goat, especially when it turns grey.  Baah.

As far as I’m concerned, I could happily lose every hair on my body.  I’d shave my head if it didn’t have so many lumps and rough spots, not to mention the occasional pre- and post-cancerous scab.  (Now, there’s a turn-on.)

Human bodies get uglier as they age.  On many males, hair seems to fall off the head and take root everywhere it isn’t wanted — the shoulders, back, and of course, the ass.  This proves that either there is no god, or one with a vicious sense of humor.  Or maybe a sexless nun.

So manscaping becomes one method for a man to preserve a more youthful appearance.  It takes patience, work, and a toleration (if not appetite) for burning skin now and then, especially after the application of cologne.

That’s as far as I’ve taken it, and at this juncture, enhancing the look with sparkles doesn’t appeal to me.  I could see doing this if I were a young stud on the hunt, or a porn star, or maybe even a professional wrestler or body builder.  I am none of the above.  I’m just the bass player, with the email address to prove it.

Meanwhile, the model above looks great, yes?  But what’s the furry pits?  In for a penny, in for a pound, lad.  The fan base is a demanding bitch.

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7 Responses to 2-4-6-8, Let’s All Depilitate

  1. Barbara Ganousch says:

    Nice abs. File the rest of this essay under “TMI.”

  2. BALLS I SAY!

    All “ball shaves” 50% off this weekend. We’ll remove the other 50% beginning Monday.

    State and local taxes apply.

    No tipping necessary, but please take yours with you.

    MEDICAL WARNING: Some men may experience mild ejaculation during the proceedure. Most don’t

    • Old Timer says:

      “Some men may experience mild ejaculation during the proceedure. Most don’t.”

      I’ll take it. It’s worth a shot. Ooops!

  3. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such goats. 🙂

  4. Joe Balls says:

    I’ve been shaving the family jewels for a long time, now. That’s all the groin jewelry I need. “Pejazzle” this, bitches.

  5. Kim Chee says:

    I find this practice strange, but I see it more often. Perhaps I will grow to like it, but right now it off-puts me. Should that be ‘off-putz’ me?

  6. Flaming Yon says:

    Gay men have rolled this way for a long time. Welcome aboard. Here’s an observation: some of the same men who are so meticulous about their privates ignore their own ears and nostrils, which unlike their nuts are on full display at all times. Get with the program, guys.

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