It’s been pointed out many times: if your heart is truly set on stealing a car, don’t do it in the Florida Keys.  There is exactly one road in and the same one out, so unless you have a local chop shop or a helluva car-sized disguise, your chances of getting away with it are narrow as the 130 mile stretch of highway on which your escape depends.

And yet, Mellissa Mansfield almost made it home from Key West to Georgia in a stolen rig.  Unfortunately for her, she just didn’t have the, um, guts:

……a Florida Highway Patrol officer spotted a car pulled over along the northbound lanes of Interstate 95 in Port St. Lucie County…. The trooper decided to investigate, only to find a woman, Mansfield, squatting by the car.

“As I approached the vehicle I clearly observed a white female squatting on the passenger side of the vehicle with her pants down below her knees defecating with moderate traffic flowing. She had no expectation of privacy due to the fact she did [not] open the rear passenger door to shield herself from the view of oncoming traffics. I asked her what she was doing and she stated, “I am going to the bathroom.”  —Miami New Times Riptide

The car turned out to be stolen from Key West.  The young lady was arrested for indecent exposure, vehicle theft, and operating a motor vehicle without a valid license. The trooper also found “several empty beer bottles that were cold to the touch.”

At least she wasn’t defecating while driving.  Or texting while driving.  Or texting while defecating.  Of course, she hadn’t been thinking before stealing, either.

While we’re at it, she was just wrong when she told the trooper — poor bastard — “I’m going to the bathroom.”   The bathroom, ironically, was only another 6 miles up the road.  What she was doing was dumping in the road.  Tapping a kidney.  Laying cable.

I’m also a bit disturbed by the phrase in the report, “defecating with moderate traffic flowing.”   How long did the trooper need to observe her before drawing that conclusion?

Let’s sum it up.  With an invalid license in her pocket, she’s driving a stolen vehicle while drinking beer when she decides it would be a good idea to pull off the highway and draw attention to herself.  This is neither shrewd planning nor strategic execution.  The miracle is that she got the car up the road as far as she did.  In fact, that’s so miraculous I’d be looking for accomplices.

So remember, Scouts: Be Prepared!  Always carry plastic bags, or at least a cork.

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6 Responses to Poopjacked

  1. Moose and Squirrel says:

    One encounters quite a number of class acts on the open road.

  2. Stan Garde says:

    In his senior years my dad was plagued by a weak bladder (looking back, it was probably prostate cancer). But liked his job as a salesman and wanted to keep going, driving hundreds of miles every day. He kept a wide-mouthed plastic bottle by his side with a strong lid, so if he was out between rest stops and had to pee, he could just “pull it over, pull it out, put in, screw on the top, and put it away,” as he told us. And then dump it out.

  3. Lois Terms says:

    I “text while defecating” all the time. I find it inspiring.

  4. odtley says:

    if youve ever been locked up in a loony bin for a while you soon realize that shit is a big part of your life cuz lots of mentals express themselves that way whether its shitting their pants or painting walls with it or just flinging it around the room and the only way to get them to stop is to drug them into drooling comas or locking them up naked in a small cell with washable walls and a drain in the floor

  5. Squathole says:

    odtley odtley odley. You’re the highlight of my week.. When are you going to start your blog?

  6. Inquiring Minds says:

    What does “Tad’s Talks” have to do with this post? Just curious.

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