It’s been pointed out many times: if your heart is truly set on stealing a car, don’t do it in the Florida Keys. There is exactly one road in and the same one out, so unless you have a local chop shop or a helluva car-sized disguise, your chances of getting away with it are narrow as the 130 mile stretch of highway on which your escape depends.
And yet, Mellissa Mansfield almost made it home from Key West to Georgia in a stolen rig. Unfortunately for her, she just didn’t have the, um, guts:
……a Florida Highway Patrol officer spotted a car pulled over along the northbound lanes of Interstate 95 in Port St. Lucie County…. The trooper decided to investigate, only to find a woman, Mansfield, squatting by the car.
“As I approached the vehicle I clearly observed a white female squatting on the passenger side of the vehicle with her pants down below her knees defecating with moderate traffic flowing. She had no expectation of privacy due to the fact she did [not] open the rear passenger door to shield herself from the view of oncoming traffics. I asked her what she was doing and she stated, “I am going to the bathroom.” —Miami New Times Riptide
The car turned out to be stolen from Key West. The young lady was arrested for indecent exposure, vehicle theft, and operating a motor vehicle without a valid license. The trooper also found “several empty beer bottles that were cold to the touch.”
At least she wasn’t defecating while driving. Or texting while driving. Or texting while defecating. Of course, she hadn’t been thinking before stealing, either.
While we’re at it, she was just wrong when she told the trooper — poor bastard — “I’m going to the bathroom.” The bathroom, ironically, was only another 6 miles up the road. What she was doing was dumping in the road. Tapping a kidney. Laying cable.
I’m also a bit disturbed by the phrase in the report, “defecating with moderate traffic flowing.” How long did the trooper need to observe her before drawing that conclusion?
Let’s sum it up. With an invalid license in her pocket, she’s driving a stolen vehicle while drinking beer when she decides it would be a good idea to pull off the highway and draw attention to herself. This is neither shrewd planning nor strategic execution. The miracle is that she got the car up the road as far as she did. In fact, that’s so miraculous I’d be looking for accomplices.
So remember, Scouts: Be Prepared! Always carry plastic bags, or at least a cork.