She‘s Toast

A New Jersey mom with a passion for tanning is facing a child endangerment charge for allowing her then 5-year-old daughter into a tanning booth….Authorities say Patricia Krentcil’s daughter, now 6, turned up at her elementary school in Nutley, New Jersey, with a sunburn on April 24, prompting a school nurse to contact police.

The extremely tan Krentcil, 44, appeared on Wednesday in a Newark courtroom where she pleaded not guilty to a charge of child endangerment.  New Jersey is among several states that have adopted regulations prohibiting anyone age 14 or under from using ultraviolet devices because of the risk of skin cancer.

Krentcil’s chocolate-brown hue testifies to countless hours spent under the intense ultraviolet light of a tanning bed or out in the sun soaking up rays.  But she denied bringing her fair-skinned daughter into the tanning booth of a salon that she frequents.  — Reuters

“Anybody who lays in a tanning bed deserves to be flayed,” says Tanya Hyde, when I ask for her take on this story.

Tanya, an old friend, is the president of the Haulover Beach chapter of Tanorexics Anonymous.  She and her sun worshippers spend dawn ‘til dusk naked on the beach, perfecting their coloration.  If I were just a shade less responsible than I am I’d be among them.  Or I might be dead, my crispy ashes distributed over the waves, along with those of many of her former chapter members.

Tanya credits the sun for her flawless, beautiful skin.  And she forbids me from taking her picture.

“Tanning beds are an abomination,” she tells me.  “That’s not ‘tanning.’  At best it’s ‘staining.’  It’s like toasting with rubbing alcohol instead of champagne.”

Evidently she’s a regular.  Do you think she exposed her daughter?

“Hard to say.  I doubt it — how sunny does it have to be in northern NJ in April for a redheaded child to burn?  I could tell if I could see it first-hand.  But even from here I can tell you those video images of the mom are total photoshopped bullshit.  Kenyan marathon runners aren’t even that dark.”

Yeah, but YOU are.  Almost.

Tanya shows me the dazzling smile that has been known to reverse tides.  “That’s just one difference between the sun  and a tanning bed,” she explains.  “The rest is attitude.”  She purses her lips.  “Why haven’t we seen you  out here until today?  You’re pale as Casper’s ass.”

Only by comparison.   Don’t start.  You know my dermatologist makes me wear an ankle bracelet these days.

“We’re starting our Cinqo de Mayo party Saturday at dawn,” she purrs.  “Tequila sunrise eye-openers.   Party all day into the night.  At least drop by.  Bring Guido — I bet she could use some  refreckling.”

When I tell her I’ll take it under advisement, she smiles that smile again.

This entry was posted in News From the Nation's Dicktip, NIMBY. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to She‘s Toast

  1. Flaming Yon says:

    Totally photoshopped. Google her by name and you’ll find images so gross she looks like Aunt Jemima. The media is completely irresponsible. I blame Bush.

  2. Piles says:

    Why is this even news? Basically it’s a story about a kid’s sunburn, and it’s all over the innnerwebs like dog bites man. The fact that there’s laws in 14 states against children in tanning salons suggests it happens (or used to happen) a lot — even if this is the story here, it wouldn’t be unusual. I don’t get it. And yeah those photos are total ass.

  3. Hose B says:

    Whoa. That woman is….hot.

  4. Beardsley says:

    “…..just a shade less responsible……”

    Just to let you know I caught that, and liked it.

  5. Pingback: The Dark Side | Obalesque

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