Poll Cat

So intense is my concentration on the porn sequence playing out on the screen that when the telephone rings, I absently answer it.  (The phone, not the porn.)   Multi-tasking ain’t my thing.  My idea of multi-tasking is reading on the toilet.

“Blghh rhgh yop mmnyh?  Phjkilly omnerst wooha ugproo?”

Okay….. either I just got a call from an endangered indigenous Amazon tribe, or I’m holding the phone upside down. No, neither.  Turns out it’s a California-based polling service.   They talk funny.  Why did I answer the phone?

“We’re calling registered voters in your area?  We’re trying to establish which issues are important to voters in South Florida and would greatly appreciate your input?”

Are you asking me something, or telling me something?  I can’t tell when everything you say finishes on a higher note than where you started.

“Sir, I’m asking if you’re willing to answer a few questions for our poll?”

Huh?  Now you’re asking me if you’re telling me you’d like me to answer some questions?

There’s an uncomfortable pause during which I hear papers shuffling and voices in the background.

“Sir, I have some questions?  Are you a registered Florida voter?”

* sigh *  Yes.

“Are you registered Democrat, Republican, Independent, or something else?”

Yes.

Another uncomfortable pause.  “Which one of those, please?”

Something else.  Want to guess?  Here’s a hint: it’s the name of a color, and if  it’s0 what your cheese sandwich looks like, don’t eat it.

“Thank you sir for your participation and that’s all my questions?”

Fine.  Because I know this stupid game and I don’t play nicely with others.

Depending on who pays for this so-called poll, the questions will start innocuously enough, then turn into pure bullshit propaganda.  It’s called a “Push Poll.”

Let’s say it’s on the ‘Pubs’ dime.  The first question might be, “On a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being very satisfied and 5 being very unsatisfied, how would you characterize your satisfaction level with President Obama?”

That’s neutral, but it’s just to disarm the respondent.  The next question is something like, “Using the same 1-5 scale, how would you rate your satisfaction with the President’s plan to raise taxes on the middle class?”

And then, “How would you rate your satisfaction with the present administration’s plan to introduce additional  job-discouraging regulations on private businesses?”  Next, “How would you rate his plan to allow illegal immigrants to vote in the general election and take welfare money to get free health care?”

Got the idea?  The little cretin doesn’t even write any of this down.  The whole point is to insinuate these poisonous little lies disguised as questions into voters’ feeble brains.

“On a scale of 1 to 5, Are you satisfied that if the President is re-elected, a foreign-born Muslim socialist who hates America will have the opportunity to nominate radical liberal Supreme Court justices, shit on the Constitution, and hire elitist homosexuals to overrule Congressional mandates…..and did you notice that he’s Black?”

No, I’m not playing along.  Not when I have porn to watch on my favorite Lactating Amputee Midget Bestiality web site.  Life is too short for me to lower myself to talk politics.

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This entry was posted in Gen. Snark, Maj. Snafu, Corp. Punishment, Shaken and Stirred. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Poll Cat

  1. Anonymous says:

    Its a porn site with midgets.Of course, you have to lower yourself to view it. I love politics, but your description “a foreign-born Muslim socialist who hates America will have the opportunity to nominate radical liberal Supreme Court justices, shit on the Constitution, and hire elitist homosexuals to overrule Congressional mandates…..and did you notice that he’s Black?”..Which one is this ,Obama or Romney?

    • Kim Chee says:

      Anonymous: Very good question, and in keeping with the spirit of the game, my answer would be: Yes.

  2. Beardsley says:

    The annoying speech inflection you notice is called HRT — High Rising Terminals. I noticed it about 15 years ago among my undergraduate students, and it truly baffled me for a while. Evidently it’s only a stylish sort of thing, not particularly indicative of anything specific (the usual imbeciles suggest everything from bi-polar syndrome to paranoia and self-loathing), but I find it both annoying and perplexing.

  3. Diesel Fitter says:

    “Lactating Amputee Midget Bestiality web site”

    LAMB.alt is my favorite, too!

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