You Are Who You Eat

Here we go again.

America’s gruesome zombie apocalypse marches on. This time, a suburban Baltimore man lost his heart and part of his brain to his cannibal college-student roomie, according to police. Kenyan Alexander Kinyua, 21, told cops he stabbed 37-year-old Kujor Bonsafo Agyei-Kodie of Ghana, dismembered him, ate his body parts, then hid the rest of the head and hands in the basement laundry room. Investigators discovered the remains when Kinyua’s dad reported finding them in the home they all shared, reports AP. The rest of Kodie’s body was found in a trash bin outside a nearby church, said police. “I’ve been with the agency 40 years, and I would say this is the first time I can remember someone consumed the victim,” said sheriff Jesse Bane. “I’ve not encountered that in this county, and I hope we never encounter it again.” — Newser

Let’s see…. we’ve had the execrable face-eating incident locally, following last week’s news about the Japanese artist who removed his own genitals, cooked them up, and served them to a select (fee-paying) number of enthusiastic diners.

Should we include the flesh-eating bacteria, too, which has led (so far) to the victim’s loss of both hands, an entire leg, and her other foot?  I think not.  The bacteria aren’t reacting to drugs or bath salts, acting out of malice, or pulling some bizarre promotional stunt.  Bacteria have more class and self control.

The popular line (see above) links this outbreak to the world’s recent infatuation with zombies.  How does this work, exactly?  People who normally chow down on a ham sandwich or at the salad bar opt for a mouthful of human face or organ meat?  Is it like a V-8 moment — they smack their foreheads in frustration: “I could have had an adenoid!”?

My suspicion is this phenomenon has nothing to do with zombies.  I blame foodies.  These fey irritants have become a ubiquitous infection on teh internets, poisoning the relationship between human beings and their diets, and skewing ordinary diners’ views to the extent that common sense, let alone decency, has been knocked into a cocked hat.  There are entire websites dedicated to the quality of pizza — pizza!  Plain ordinary pizza! — as well as the humble hamburger.  Writers ooh and aah over peppers and lettuce. Lettuce.

What these ingrates need is a month of forced starvation.

Meanwhile, less stable personalities have been horribly impacted, leaving a gory trail of blood and guts behind.  It’s only a matter of time before foodies will be spotted at crime scenes circling like vultures, forks in hand.  It will only get worse.

This entry was posted in Gen. Snark, Maj. Snafu, Corp. Punishment. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to You Are Who You Eat

  1. Education Talk Radio says:

    The kannibal was from from Kenya. I knew it. That’s why I’m for Romney 2102. I think the cannibal thing was one of them there death panels we heard so much about. ROMNEY 2102.

  2. Kim Chee says:

    Human or animal, meat is murder.

  3. Hannibal Lector says:


  4. Hannibal Lector says:

    This must make me the original foodie, then. At least I pick good wine.

  5. ya' gotta' guessit says:

    Tastes just like chicken !

  6. Jeffrey Dahmer says:

    Nonsense, I say . . .

  7. Hugh Bris says:

    Hey, blaming foodies for this guy eating the man’s face off is like blaming the spoon for making people obese Or something.

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