Man Bites Dog. Really.

By now you’ve heard that the Causeway Cannibal’s autopsy revealed no evidence of bath salts.

Rudy Eugene, the man who chewed off a homeless man’s face on the MacArthur Causeway and was shot to death by Miami police, had no drugs in his system other than marijuana, the Miami-Dade Medical Examiner’s office said Wednesday. — Miami Hurled

Marijuana?  Wow.  Bad munchies.  Real bad munchies.

Compare and contrast this wacko from Waco:

Michael Terron Daniel, 22, of Waco, Texas, stands accused of animal cruelty stemming from the June 14 incident.

According to KWTX, a neighbor claims that Daniel told him he was on “a bad trip from ingesting K-2.” Daniel then got “on his hands and knees and chased a neighbor while barking and growling like a dog.”

After scaring the neighbors off, Daniel then grabbed the family’s pet dog off of their porch. He started beating and strangling the medium-sized black dog. Then, according to police, he “began to bite into the dog, ripping pieces of flesh away.” The dog died on the scene. — Miami New Times

Who needs mustard and kraut on their dog when you have K2?  Which, as you know by now, is another term for bath salts, often called “synthetic marijuana” even though it’s more akin to cocaine.  They tell me.

Kids.  Back in the 18th century when I was a zitty punk the big thing was huffing airplane glue.  Then there was the short-lived fad involving smoking bananas.  That sounds almost healthy compared to this shit. I also remember hearing about taking CONTAC capsules apart, isolating then ingesting the black components — evidently this mimicked the effects of speed.  Folks I knew who tried that told me not to bother.

The lesson here is that if you want to get high, don’t rely on over-the-counter products unless that counter is inside a liquor store.  Be smart.  Find yourself a reliable dealer and purchase your illegals like a responsible consumer.  If you have trouble finding a source, ask a cop.  Subtly.

I feel bad about the dog, unless it was a pit bull, in which case I might start believing in a just and fair deity after all.  That should get me some weekend hate mail.

PS  There’s no evidence that Michael Vick was involved with any of this distasteful dog-chewing.  Who starts these vicious rumors, anyway?

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This entry was posted in News From the Nation's Dicktip, NIMBY. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Man Bites Dog. Really.

  1. "Esq." a Lawyer says:

    What this should tell you is that the county ME office has its head up its ass.

  2. Hugh Bris says:

    Your pal over at CM says the Causeway incident was an act of God. http://criticalmiami.com/2012/06/29/not-making-any-sense-out-of-the-causeway-cannibal-s-autopsy-report

    Hey, to a dyslexic, so is the Waco incident.

  3. bill says:

    “The lesson here is that if you want to get high, don’t rely on over-the-counter products unless that counter is inside a liquor store.”

    Excellent advice! You are one funny, mo-fo!

  4. books says:

    K2 is not bath salts. You smoke it like weed.

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