How to Stay Dark and Thin While Orgasmically Glowing

Very useful information from the Miami Hurled’s wire services.  I wonder if Journatics is responsible?  Anyway:

A study in the Journal of Nutrition indicates that high-flavanol cocoa protects skin from UV rays. No, not when you slather it on the skin, but when you eat it.  — Miami Hurled

I imagine this is welcome news not just for choclatiers, but sun freaks, too, especially women, who will deploy any excuse to eat chocolate.  They indulge themselves when they’re happy, miserable, angry, jealous, horny, hungry, and of course, menopausal, pre-menopausal, and post-menopausal.  Which covers: everything.

And now they, along with everybody else, can claim they’re eating it for sun protection.  The only news than this would be if similar results from dark beer.  Guinness would need as fleet of Exxon Valdez class ships to handle export demand.

It also opens the door to something sadly missing from Florida’s beautiful beaches: the roving ice cream vendors.  I remember these guys from my pimply youth on the Jersey shore — those sweating dudes dressed in white toting heavy freezer units over their shoulders stuffed with popsicles, Dixie Cups, fudgsicles, and my all-time favorite, ice cream sandwiches.  “Give yer tongue a sleigh ride,”  they’d bellow.  “Ten cents for a cold refreshing bite of Arctic ice!”

They could sell it as orally stimulating sunscreen.  And speaking of oral stimulation:

You know you burn calories when you have sex. But did you know how many?

  • Making out, 30 minutes: 230 calories
  • Foreplay, 20 minutes: 87 calories for women, 107 calories for men
  • Unclasping a bra with both hands: 8 calories
  • Unclasping a bra with one hand: 18 calories
  • Unclasping a bra with your mouth: 67 calories
  • Strip tease: 60 calories
  • Oral sex: 100 calories
  • Missionary position, 10 minutes: 250 calories
  • Woman on top, 10 minutes: 300 calories for women, 130 calories for men.
  • Sex standing up: Up to 600 calories for both people.
  • Masturbation: Up to 150 calories per session.
  • Orgasm: Between 60 and 100 calories — Miami Hurled

This opens up a lot of discussion areas.  Like: what’s a bra?

And, why does foreplay burn up more calories for men than women, and less than masturbation (presumably for either gender)?

If sex standing up is good for 600 calories, how about standing on your head?  (I saw that in a porn flick once.)  Or on a trapeze?  (I see that on LOTS of porn flicks.)

Ever have sex under water?  That’s pretty energetic.  Hell, just catching the goddam seal wears me out.

These are all interesting areas to explore, but the takeaway is, Cancel your gym membership!  Early to bed, get it to rise, and watch pounds drop before your eyes!

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This entry was posted in Gen. Snark, Maj. Snafu, Corp. Punishment, News From the Nation's Dicktip. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to How to Stay Dark and Thin While Orgasmically Glowing

  1. Tanya Hyde says:

    Old news about chocolate and sunscreen — we’ve been promoting that at Tanorexics Anonymous for several years now. It doesn’t require much. The usual ritual is to enjoy a small portion with one’s morning coffee while watching the dawn come up.

    No sun today — a good opportunity to put the second story to the test and lose weight. 🙂

  2. Anonymous says:

    I read with interest how cocoa prevents UV rays from hurting one’s skin. This is no surprise to we Evangelical Republican scientists as we have understood for years why Black people don’t get sunburned…..because they’re made of cocoa, obviously. Just look at their skin. Finally mainstream science joins us . Remember when Mayor Ray Nagin called N’Orleans, “a chocolate city” . That was what gave us the idea. That’s why we’re trying to limit their voting in Florida and Texas because if chocolate votes, what’s next.. aborted fetuses??? .. Well, off to ride my dinosaur,

  3. Piles says:

    Seems to me oral sex would gain you weight, not lose it. Or break even.

  4. Fudge Packer says:

    A new summer fun game… Fudgsicle packing!
    Cooool… {8-O

  5. Flaming Yon says:

    Speaking of sex and chocolate — in my part of town, a fudgsicle ain’t ice cream.

  6. Kent Standit says:

    Yo, where’s Mumblety Peg?
    “Men are such chocolate covered pigs.”

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