The Dark Side

Back in May, I reported on “Tan Mom,” expressing doubt that the Tanorexic had taken her 5-year old daughter into a tanning booth.  Today Mom is back in the news.

Patricia Krentcil, the so-called “tan mom,” is revealing her new lighter looks after being offered a photo shoot by In Touch magazine if she went a month without any sun or tanning-bed time.

“Everyone says I look so much better less tan,” Krentcil told the magazine. “I feel weird and pale.” — HealthToday

I agree with Mom.  She looks exponentially better with the tan.  Most people do.  I’m sure I’m prejudiced, but when I see ghostly pale skin I get a little sick.  It’s spooky.  I feel like Kunta Kinte that first time.

Look: either way, she’s gonna die.  We all do: it’s been proven.  Ten out of ten people die.  So I figure, better she should die tan and happy than live pale, pasty, and miserable.

This, of course, precisely contradicts medical opinion.

“It hurts my eyes just to look at her,” said Dr. Suzan Obagi, an associate professor of dermatology and surgery and director of the cosmetic surgery and skin health center at the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center. “She’s done a significant amount of damage over the years. She’s broken down the collagen that gives the skin its firmness and the elastin that gives the skin the ability to rebound after you stretch it. That’s why you see those wrinkles.”

The New Jersey stay-at-home mom admits that she had a tough time meeting the magazine’s challenge.   “I’ve had moments when I felt like ‘I need to be tan,’ and I did all the spray tans and lotions and creams, too – anything to get dark,” Krentcil told In Touch.

Tanning can be addictive, like smoking or gambling, sparking the release of the feel-good brain chemicals, dopamine and serotonin. “So when you tan, it makes you feel better.”

True dat.  And I’m sure Tanya Hyde, president of the Haulover Beach chapter of Tanorexics, will weigh in later on the addictive nature of tanning.  I suffer this malady myself, although I endure it experiencing all the distress of a forced orgasm.

The sensation of sun on my skin, let alone its aesthetic effects, makes it all worthwhile.  This is a major reason for my relocation to this semi-civilized divot in the earth.  It sure wasn’t for the friendly people, cultural experiences, or financial opportunities.

Tan Mom can cash  in her fame and readjust her priorities — not my affair, and she needs to do whatever she judges best for herself and her loved ones.  But I’m out there crisping in the sunshine.  What a gorgeous corpse I’ll make.

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4 Responses to The Dark Side

  1. Whack-a-mole says:

    Speaking of pale and ghostly, why is it that Casper (the Friendly Ghost!) starts every cartoon with no friends, but has lots of them by the end of the film. How does he not keep those friends into the next cartoon.

    Oh, and he’s pale and ghostly.

    Just sayin; . . .

  2. Piles says:

    White people bake their flesh in the sun to darken their skin, while Black people and Asians bleach their skin with chemicals to lighten it. Net gain = zero.

  3. odtley says:

    its addictive behavior alright i knew lots of druggies and drunks who went thru years of detox and counseling and treatment only to get hooked on other shit like coffee and gambling and yes even suntanning one of whom roasted his ass so bad he blistered and split and damn near died altho i have to agree he looked better for a while

  4. Tanya Hyde says:

    Hi, Squats! Thanks for the mention.

    Of course I agree with Tan Mom that she looked better tanned, and I agree with you that all of us do! Sure, tanning has its risks. What competitive sport doesn’t? You can even hurt yourself playing badminton if you’re real talented. And chess.

    Is it addictive? Absolutely. But the line between ardent commitment and addiction isn’t a clear, bright one. Aren’t people of whom it is said “they were driven to success” exhibiting the same kind of single-minded devotion that characterizes addictive behavior?

    Speaking of: we lost Birdy last week. He was only 45, but a regular among us since 1991. Pneumonia and organ damage related to his cancer. He looked fine to the end, though, and was in good spirits.

    Hope to see you soon, pale face! 🙂

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