Don’t Tweet? Yer Obsolete!

Real ad as seen on the Positions Available section of a non-profit clearinghouse:

The (REDACTED] Foundation has an immediate opening for a lowly grant writer.  The position reports to the Development Director whose job is secure so there is absolutely no chance of advancement short of assassination, and even then it is doubtful as the Board of Directors practices nepotism at the Director level.  Start low, stay low.

The ideal candidate is an over-the-hill development professional at the end of his or her career whose ego has been shattered by extended unemployment and rejection by bureaucratic toads and smart-ass kids for positions he or she used to hire out and sneer at.  Desperation is a plus, as is professional exhaustion and career fatigue.

The Foundation understands that because the non-profit world has been altered significantly over the last two decades, former mid-  and high-level executives won’t ever reclaim the ground they lost when the fundamentals of the game were tossed out and their skills became obsolete.  (“Don’t Tweet?  Yer Obsolete!”)  Applicants’ last hope is to find some remnant of the market where grant writing hasn’t quite yet been completely replaced by texting.

Applicants should subscribe to industry standards that render “grant writing” a process of filling out forms by cutting and pasting data carefully apportioned not to exceed a minimum number of characters (as opposed to words).   A skill test to evaluate applicants’ capacity to substitute symbols and non-words (e.g., using 4 instead of for and replacing both adverbs and adjectives with emoticons) will be administered.

Applicants should send a cover letter not exceeding 500 characters and a current résumé not exceeding one page in 11 point font or larger.  Even if an avalanche of applicants were not anticipated — and the Foundation understands that dire market conditions ensure thousands of desperate submissions — no acknowledgment of receipt will be provided.  Applicants whose credentials in our judgment warrant further review will be notified at our convenience.

No phone calls.  No personal visits.  And not much chance for success but that won’t stop you.  It’s a buyer’s market, and you’re selling shit.

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8 Responses to Don’t Tweet? Yer Obsolete!

  1. Lois Terms says:

    It’s a buyer’s market, and you’re selling shit.

    Yup. Old shit.

  2. Joe Balls says:

    True dat. It’s not just grant writing, either. It’s across the board.

  3. julesagray says:

    In my last job interview, the 20-something HR twit asked my why i thought I was still relevant. I chuckled and launched into a lecture about why I think Black Tar Heroin is the BOMB. Needless to say, I didn’t get the job.

    • Hugh Bris says:

      Funny. Been there done that and walked away confident I’d never hear from them again. In fact, any time I find myself talking to the HR Dept I figure I’m dead meat. They are the worst of the useless worst. I’d rather deal with the IT nerds who are clueless as to humanity as opposed to jealous of it.

  4. Stan Garde says:

    I like this: “Applicants whose credentials in our judgment warrant further review will be notified at our convenience.” I was out of work for just about a year during which time I sent out literally hundreds of resumes. Even though there was a position advertised — I wasn’t just sending out cold — usually I never even got so much as an auto-reply. But sometimes I did, and it usually said something like, Don’t call us We’ll call you and if you don’t hear from us consider yourself rejected. Once in a while I WOULD follow up and then if I was lucky I’d get a terse “We had a trillion applicants and couldn’t respond to everyone your resume was wonderful but we’re going in another direction good luck with your career and fuck off.” Not the America they told me about in the army or school.

  5. julesagray says:

    I recently applied for a gig with Team Coco–that’s Conan O’Brien to us comedic-impaired folks. I had to show my sense of humor, so it was a pleasure to use the phrase “hapless sap’s balls” in a cover letter. Didn’t get that job either. Humm

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