Two for the Show

Monday morning feels so bad.

Everybody seems to naaaaaaaaaaaaaaag.  Me.

Does everybody know and love this song?  Do all of you know who (a) wrote and sang the original, and (2) what their relationship is to AC/DC?  (ha!  Got you on part deux!)  Now name two other great rockers who recorded this number.  I’ll wait.

And while you’re frantically Googling, let’s talk about tits.  Breasts.  Winabagoes.   Blouse Bunnies.  They’re in the news again.

The breast milk of the writer Florence Williams contains a striking level of perchlorate, a key component of rocket fuel. This does not, however, invest her with superpowers, as it might if she were a comic-book hero, or even make her special. Rather, as she explains in “Breasts: A Natural and Unnatural History,” her mammary glands are no different from those of most American women. In the year 2012, breast-feeding still passes many good things from mother to baby: vitamins, minerals and “a solid hedge of extras to help ward off a lifetime of diseases.” But the practice also typically transfers “paint thinners, dry-cleaning fluids, wood preservatives, toilet deodorizers, cosmetic additives, gasoline by-products, rocket fuel, termite poisons, fungicides” and varieties of flame retardants, one of which, Penta-BDE, was banned by the European Union because of its chronic toxicity to humans. —NYTimes Book Review

Toilet deodorizers in breast milk.  This throws light on why youngsters wear their pants to expose their boxer shorts.  In fact, it explains a whole lot more than that about today’s youth.  I stopped pouring that blue poison in the toilet the same moment I saw my cat drinking from it.

Personally, I’m a tit man, always have been.  I had stretch marks around my mouth years before I had laugh lines ‘round my eyes.  Now I have fault lines all over.  Like California.  Growing up I dreamed about breasts the way  Galileo pondered the cosmos.  As a masturbatory adolescent I drooled over movie posters, Playboy  magazines, and the budding bulges in classmates’ blouses.  In other words, I was 100% normal.

But this is NOT normal:

Breasts are made of fatty tissues that absorb “pollutants like a pair of soft sponges,” she writes. They are malignancies waiting to happen. The incidence of breast cancer worldwide has doubled since 1940, and continues to rise. Because of various factors, which might include obesity and industrial contaminants, breasts are arriving earlier and becoming larger, often to the point of grotesqueness. Brassiere manufacturers who once made cups in sizes A to D have had to extend their range to H and KK.

I have this vision of a device to assist the locomotion of women with KK’s: it’s a cross between a walker and a wheelbarrow.  OMG strike me blind, spare me the sight of this.  A tit man has his limits.  Read Gulliver’s Travels:  There really can be too much of a good thing.

No joke:  when the world is so polluted that human tits become toxic waste dumps, it’s past time to reverse course.  Let’s talk about what really sucks.

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6 Responses to Two for the Show

  1. ya' gotta' guessit says:

    One of the old Easybeats wrote it (dunno his name), and his little brother plays that Gibson SG for AC/DC.
    Bowie did a great version on “Pinups”, as did Richard Thompson on one of his two million albums.

    What do I win?
    I want money!

    • Squathole says:

      George Young and Henry Vanda wrote it. George Young’s little brothers Marcus and Angus are two of the noisemakers known collectively as AC/DC. I didn’t know about Richard Thompson — I was thinking of Gary Moore. (No, not the check-suited teevee host.) Evidently there are others, too. Look:

      If you send me your email address and bank account data, our Nigeria-based awards department will wire transfer your generous prize directly! This not scan trully! We honest buisness mens.

  2. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such pigs.

  3. julesagray says:

    you’d better fucking believe it, Mumblety.
    And for the last time, ‘those aren’t buoys’…

  4. Joe Balls says:

    Wow, great pontoons.

    Like Dave Barry once said, the real purpose of female breasts is to make men stupid. Adding paint thinner and DDT really just advances the process. I keep hoping someday somebody’ll figure out a way to get Jack Daniels in there.

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