The Elephant On the Road

Hell, this could’ve happened to anybody.

A man who told state police he swerved to avoid an elephant in the roadway when he crashed his car on I-295 in Delaware has been arrested and charged with his seventh DUI offense.

Delaware State Police said Samuel Phipps, 31, of New Castle, admitted he had been smoking marijuana dipped in PCP, also known as wet, before getting behind the wheel of a red 1998 Land Rover Friday night. —

An elephant, you say?  On I-295 in Delaware?  Go directly to jail.  Do Not Pass Go.  Do Not Collect $200.

The headline — or whatever it’s called on a website — described it as a pink elephant, which of course is a classic description of a drunken vision.   Unfortunately (for journalistic purposes), Mr. Phipps didn’t actually say that, not quite ruining the story, just cheapening it a bit.

These days, the term “pink elephant” suggests Log Cabin Republicans.  All 5 of them.  Which is two less than the number of DUI’s this elephant-adverse Delawarrior has on his record.

I’ve known a lot of stumble-down drunks in my time, as well as the occasional substance abuser, but I’ve never actually met one who admitted to having a pink elephant experience.  Snakes, maybe.  Flying critters like winged monkeys and airborne mothers-in-law.  And lots and lots of bugs, some with faces.  Hunter S. Thompson wrote the book on this.  Literally.  Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.  I, um, highly recommend it.  The book, cretins, not the movie.

Personally, with my ghastly vision, I don’t ever visually hallucinate, but I hear things and they’re usually pretty pleasant, like treble-heavy guitar solos finger-fashioned on a hollow-body Rickenbacker that split the night and thrill my backbone.  Or the precise opposite: foghorns, chest-pressing basso-profundo single notes that suggest the world beyond our own, where communication is musical, and music is communicational.

I no longer seek these experiences while driving.  I may look dumb, but I’m ugly.

Your move, Mr. Phipps.

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One Response to The Elephant On the Road

  1. Hose B says:

    It’s a shame he didn’t hit the damn elephant and crush himself.

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