It’s In The Bag

zOMG it’s Halloweeeeeeeeen and I almost forgot to post about JESUSWEEN!!  Here’s last year’s take (which drew 68 comments).  The link no longer works, so here’s a new one and  a Facebook page .

Halloween was a Very Big Deal back when I was a snot-nosed youth in a tight-sphinctered suburban neighborhood.  Stay out late?  Free candy?  Get away with minor acts of vandalism on the houses of neighbors we didn’t like?  Deal me in.

I’m a lot older now, but I’m still not ready for JesusWeen:

JesusWeen is a nonprofit organization also known as JesusWin.  We are focused on helping people live better lives through the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. …..The dictionary meaning of Ween is to expect, believe or think.  We therefore see October 31st as a day to expect a gift of salvation and re-think receiving Jesus.

Holy razor blades in apples, Batman.  These crackpots want to give out little bibles to trick or treaters instead of cavity-enabling sweets.  They’re sick.

I don’t want to think about what we kids would have done to the house that practiced this kind of sacrilege.  Forget about wet toilet paper on the walls and windows or the flaming bag of shit.  That was for people we liked.  This would have warranted a garden hose in the mail slot and/or peanut oil in the gas tank.  Bibles in the bag, not Butterfingers?  I don’t think so.  We would have torn out the pages to wipe our asses and stick them to the front door of the house for months.

Some people just don’t know how to have a good time.  They’re always trying to find a moral to the story, or convert every giggle and snort into a learning experience.  They can’t even appreciate a healthy hard-on without stopping to consider its biological significance.

Kids don’t care how Halloween came about.  They know what it means today, and that’s all they need to know.  They knock on the door, hold out their bag, and some adult they don’t even want to look at let alone talk to or hear from tosses in candy to eat, the more and costlier the better.  Is that so hard to understand, even for an Evangelical bible harpy?

Kids stopped coming ‘round to my house the year Guido and I answered the door stark naked and told shocked parents we were doing Adam and Eve.  That was the year after she did Puss In Boots and I did Peter Pan.  You get the picture.

Only 18 more shopping days!

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72 Responses to It’s In The Bag

  1. julesagray says:

    I’m gonna puke again. jesusween? what the fuck is wrong with these twinks?

  2. This writer fails to mention that the bibles are made of communion wafers and dipped in blood. Jesus would have liked it this way.

    It’s all in the Book Of Dracula 13.1

  3. Neil, a Christian Soul says:

    Jesusween is a fun and educational way to bring Jesus into the lives of children. Its creators are dedicated, innovative Christians with no other motive but to spread the word of the Lord. Your intolerant treatment here is uncalled for (and the comments are profane and blasphemous). I will pray for you all, but you’re going to hell.

    • You Christians are the Infidels and must die.

      Sa’id El-Rahbini

    • The Flying Spaghetti Monster says:

      And you believe in a magical sky daddy that doesn’t exist, and you’re going to rot in the ground like the rest of us…

    • dixie blood says:

      My God can kick your god’s ass.

    • osirisopto says:

      The Bastard Fairies said it best…

      Do you know what you need?

    • E.A. Blair says:

      Religion is like a penis. It’s great to have one, It’s even okay to be proud of it, but it’s not nice to wave it around in public or try to shove it down little kids’ throats.

      Hey evangelicals! Open up your own bibles and reread Matthew 6:6.

      • I’m sorry. I really am an asshole. I’ll do better

      • Frank of Oregon says:

        That passage deals with prayer. JesusWeen is not about prayer, but education. It is about teaching the Word, not praying to God, which is important, too, certainly, and related, but not identical.

        Also, in this passage Matthew doesn’t condemn praying in public, he merely encourages praying in private as well.

        All that aside, Jesusween is a really stupid idea.

    • Adele Roberson says:

      I think you are insane… but I will pray that you regain your senses.
      Just remember, you do not have to be a sick puppy for ever.
      You have 364 days a year to do what ever it is you are doing… but you choose to do it on Hallows-Eve. Why?

    • Sage says:

      Can’t you guys think of anything original? Jesusween? That’s just pathetic and sad. And just who is it fun for? Certainly not the kids looking for candy.

    • Mary Hooper says:

      Oh get a life, right wingers. This column is right on. You want everyone to be laced up tight and never have a fun-filled moment, right? You wanna spread the “word of the lord”? Try the New Testament and get back to us when you have converted to NT Christianity. It might help you have a sense of humor, too.

  4. Joe Balls says:

    Jesus Weenies.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Neil, you can pray, but it doesn’t mater – your god doesn’t exist. And neither does allah, true muslim.

  6. Money is THE ONLY god. I have a lot of it and will die before I give a cent in higher taxes.

    People are poor because they are stupid or refuse to work.

    There has never been a successful business started by a bum living off of the dole.

    • Green Eagle says:

      How about J. K. Rowling, who was on the dole when she wrote the first Harry Potter book, and is now a billionaire?

      Oh, but of course, you probably think she was helped out by Satan so she could spread evil tales of witchcraft.

      • Sage says:

        Yeah, it’s all good until A True American Speaks falls on hard times and he’ll be like Ann Rand who didn’t think anyone should take government money and ended up on social security and medicare when she got lung cancer.

      • It is written in the Bible, “The weak shall perish”

        Even Neil that Christian guy will back me up on this one.

    • Flaming Yon says:

      “The weak shall perish” is not biblical text. That should be obvious for one solid reason: it happens to be accurate.

      • You sir are also going to Hell

      • E.A. Blair says:

        Neil, you are a true Christian (and from me, that’s not a compliment).

      • E.A. Blair says:

        Neil, you are a broken record (Remember those? Before CSs?).

        Christian, n: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

        I dreamed I stood upon a hill and lo!
        The godly multitudes walked to and fro
        Beneath in Sabbath garments fitly clad,
        With pious mien, appropriately sad,
        While all the church bells made a solemn din –
        a fire-alarm to those who lived in sin.
        Then I saw gazing thoughtfully below,
        With tranquil face, upon that holy show
        A tall, spare figure in a robe of white,
        Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light
        “God keep you stranger,” I exclaimed =. “You are
        No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar;
        And yet I entertain the hope that you,
        Like these good people are a Christian too.”
        He raised his eyes and with a look so stern
        It made me with a thousand blushes burn
        Replied – his manner with disdain was spiced:
        “What! I, a Christian? No, indeed! I’m Christ.”

    • Mary Hooper says:

      Yep, right-o, a True American speaks the word of the Lord of Baal and filthy lucre. Whatever are the rest of us thinking? Surely we need to forget the Christ who stands at the center of the Xtian faith. Just kick him in the backside and tell him to get back on his donkey, filthy loser who hadn’t held a decent job or created a bizniss empire. Whatever were we thinking that He might have some words of wisdom and sanity in this cesspool of greed and ugliness? Gold, the new God of new America……stand up and salute all you ignorant louts who can’t start a business out of a grocery cart under a bridge

  7. wordweaver says:

    So it has truly come full circle. (No symbology intended.) It was the Christian conquest of Europe that added Demons to Halloween in the first place, particularly the areas of Europe with a more formalized Wiccan (pagan) religious structure. All Saint’s Eve as I understand it was an annual feast to honor dead relatives and the spirits of the forest. Dressing up as some of those spirits and visiting the threat of retribution on neighbors if offerings weren’t given. Being Wiccan and not Christian that could NOT be allowed. So the rumor was enforced that those couldn’t be the spirits of the oak and ash, they must be devils. Only Jesus and his earthly emissaries could be the True spirits.

    Now Christians are becoming uncomfortable with the ghost stories their ancestors created. Sounds pretty Grimm, (pun intended).

  8. Ted says:

    Agreeing for just a moment with Neil, yes some of the comments here are over the top, BUT….

    1. The word is not etymologically divided hallo-ween. It is Hallow-e’en

    2. And as such it means “the eve of All Hallows (All Soul’s) Day.” The entire point of it is to get your crazies (and sins) out the day (night) before so that (over the next 8 weeks)during a time of austerity (late Fall turning into Winter) and hence become closer to God as you prepare for the celebration of the birth of His son, (our savior) Jesus Christ.

    3. Jesus Christ (on a lollipop stick!) It’s not about Satan, witches, or anything sinister. It’s about kids (and adults) having FUN!

    • Anonymous says:

      I agree completely, Ted…but you’re forgetting one very important point. In many respects, Protestantism in this country (and especially evangelical Christianity) can trace its roots back to the Puritans and the Baptists and other groups in England who came to this country because their beliefs were considerably more austere than those of the Church of England. They came here largely because they did not want to live side-by-side with people whom they viewed as immoral — and their definition of “immoral” incorporated just about everything which most people might call “fun”!

  9. mkhall says:

    In the local grocery I encountered Christian-approved candy corn, marketed as Harvest Jesus Seeds. I would have bought some, but I was afraid that out of habit I’d spill them on the ground.

    Seriously, is it the “candy” or the “corn” that’s objectionable? (The taste is another matter altogether.)

  10. Bluestocking says:

    I guess we should call this the “War On Hallowe’en”? (Like the trumped-up “War On Easter” and “War On Christmas”?)

  11. mark says:

    No, the real etymology is:
    h”ALLOW”een means let people do stuff. Stuff they enjoy doing, like collecting candy and running around at night overturning outhouses.

    I hope Bill O’Really doesn’t start ranting about the War on Hallowe’en.

  12. Diesel Fitter says:

    You wrote: “Kids don’t care how Halloween came about.” That’s right, and you could substitute Christmas for Halloween. They think it’s Santa Claus and presents, not the birth of the Lord. It’s up to us as adults to teach them the true meaning of holidays and celebration, whether it’s religious or secular. July 4, Labor Day, and Memorial Day aren’t about picnics and hot dogs.

    I teach my kids that Halloween is really a conspiracy perpetuated by the dental profession. They don’t care, of course.

  13. Neil, a Christian Soul says:

    I don’t understand why you allow somebody to use my name to write obscene and blasphemous comments on your blog. I suppose he thinks it’s funny, and perhaps you agree, but it’s cowardly and deceitful. I will pray for you both, but you’re going to hell.

  14. Kent Standit says:

    Sorry. I can’t let God have the last word.

  15. I see no one is mocking me today, simply because you’ve all gone to hell.

    You WERE WARNED!!!

  16. Mary Hooper says:

    Thanks for the laughs this morning……Hell must be mighty crowded and lotsa fun without the NeilChristianSouls to interfere. I wish I did believe in Hell now. LOL

  17. Green Eagle says:

    Neil, do you really believe that people who mock you personally will be sent to Hell for that offense alone?

    I hope you don’t, because if you do you are suffering from a personality disorder bordering on schizophrenia. In all seriousness, I think you need to talk to someone about this, before it’s too late.

    • Mental illness is not mentioned in the Bible, therefore it does not exist.
      Those who claim to treat are the Devil’s servants.

      You will go to Hell

      • Joe Balls says:

        The bible doesn’t mention Buicks, either, Neil, but if they don’t exist how am I getting to work every day? Dickhead..

    • Ted Williams' Head says:

      Oh look: Bird Brain is a closet shrink. He makes his diagnosis from a series of 2- and 3-line blog comments. Very impressive. I bet Medicare pays your bill, too.

      There’s millions of people like this Neil clown running around, too dumb to think themselves out of their own craving for spiritual comfort. They’re desperate to believe something, anything, that gives them peace of mind. So they end up not using their heads at all, just their mouths to say really stupid shit like he does.

      Except he’s right about shrinks. They ARE Satan’s spawn.

  18. Green Eagle says:

    Man, Mr. Muslim, I desire enlightenment. How do you crush someone like a big?

    • A True Muslim Speaks says:

      Neil is an evil infidel. Christians and Isreal must be crushed like a bug

      • E.A. Blair says:

        You may crush “Isreal”, but if you do, Israel will still be there. If your aim isn’t any better than your spelling, you might as well give up.

      • Paot says:

        Presumably by “big” he meant “bug,” and by “Isreal” he means “Israel.” Carrying this logic through, by “True Muslim” he means “Fake Name” or “Genuine Troll.” As an Orthodox American Jew with many family members in Israel, I do not concern myself with pranksters like this, not when there are genuinely dangerous forces to contend with. Nor do I concern myself with “true Muslims,” whose desire for peace, respect for man, and commitment to G-d would never allow them to utter such nonsense as is written here.

        Shalom.

      • Rousalou LaFond says:

        So you are named after the airport near me. Cool.

        PAOT Kotzebue Ralph Wien Memorial Airport , Alaska

      • A Decent Christian says:

        Why do “your people” dislike us so much? Once I passed through Kiryas Joel, New York (an Orthodox community) and was actually spat upon.

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kiryas_Joel,_New_York

        Is that what “your God” wants?

      • Hugh Bris says:

        A Decent Christian: Maybe they were just baptizing you. I hope you thanked them.

  19. Werner O'Malley-Pizzo says:

    Excuse me folks. Remember this started with a discussion of “Jesusween.’

    I fear many have lost their way.

    This is a serious blog. I wish all you dolts wouldn’t waste my time

  20. Green Eagle says:

    “Decent Christian” says,

    “Why do “your people” dislike us so much? Once I passed through Kiryas Joel, New York (an Orthodox community) and was actually spat upon.”

    Listen, buster, a bunch of my relatives passed through Poland not that long ago and they were gassed and their bodies burned by Christians. I suspect they would have taken the spitting if given the choice.

    Playing the victim has become quite the game among American “Christians.” It’s a stupid game and I am not interested in it.

  21. Squathole says:

    Green Eagle: I don’t think those were Christians back in Poland. But I like your larger point.

    Look, this is all supposed to be fun and it’s spiraling out into something else. So here’s a video of presidential wannabe (allegedly) Herman Cain signing “Imagine There’s No Pizza” to the John Lennon tune. Laff it up and let’s move on,

  22. Pingback: The Yolk’s On Them | Obalesque

  23. Diesel Fitter says:

    I just read through this whole thread again. There are some seriously deluded people out there, almost as many as seriously twisted and bent ones.

    Bottom line: Whatever Halloween was, it isn’t any more. Take your kids out for some fun and forget the rest, okay?

  24. Neil, a Christian Soul says:

    While Halloween can be fun for the whole family, the Jesus-Win/Ween people simply want to remind people that it’s also an opportunity to praise Jesus and Love the Lord. I pray for them, and thank them for their efforts.

    • Piles says:

      The problem with them — and you — is that they — and you — don’t understand that the vast majority of people don’t want opportunities to praise Jesus and Love the Lord if those opportunities are rammed in their faces by people like them — and you. Which is what HallowJesus or whatever is.

  25. Joe Balls says:

    I remember this — and damned if I’m getting into it all again. Nice to see you’re still a douchepump, Neil.

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