I can’t remember the exact date — but it was during the late 1970s. I walk into a dentist’s office confident that there was nothing amiss — that’s the pattern for a decade at least — and I walk out after the sonofabitch finds three cavities and fills them.
I am pissed off, bloody, and in shock and pain.
“That’s it,” I tell myself sternly, staggering and spitting blood into the historic streets of center city Philadelphia. You’re fuckin done. No more fuckin sugar. No more fuckin candy. No more fuckin ice cream. Fuckin lose the bags of Snickers and Three Fuckin Musketeers. You’re fuckin hooked, assholes, you’re a sugarholic, and you’re gonna fucking lose your fuckin teeth before your 30th birthday.”
( Philly people –our adverb of choice is “fuckin.” You know how we teach the alphabet is South Philly? “Fuckin A. Fuckin B. “ Got it? )
So — I kept that vow. I have not eaten processed sugar since that day. What’s it been — 35 years? No candy, no cake, no cinnamon buns. No bacon (okay — once in a while it sneaks in). No Russian dressing. Nothing with sugar, sucrose, dextrose, molasses, corn syrup, fructose, sucrose, etc., on the label. No rum, brandy, cordials, etc. Fuckin nothin’.
The sweetest thing I eat any more is Guido’s pussy. And that’s really garlic and oregano, with a touch of Chilean sea bass.
I mention this because it’s Halloween and we have 50 candy bars in the house to hand out. After all this time, it’s still a temptation. This is what addiction is all about: you never get over it, you’re always “recovering.” You can fall back into the abyss at any moment, and it’s like you never left. Read Infinite Jest. Life is addiction. Good and bad.
At 8:30 PM there have been exactly three knocks on the door by Trick or Treaters. Where are all the kids? More to the point: what are we gonna fuckin do with all this candy?
Guido isn’t as strict as I am. She’ll have a Mars Bar or two. That leaves about 20-25.
Maybe I’ll take it over to my dentist. Make a deal. Yeah.
When Guido eats Snickers, does that affect……..oh, you’re sick. Never mind.