Tooth or Consequences

I can’t remember the exact date — but it was during the late 1970s.  I walk into a dentist’s office confident that there was nothing amiss — that’s the pattern for a decade at least — and I walk out after the sonofabitch finds three cavities and fills them.

I am pissed off, bloody, and in shock and pain.

“That’s it,” I tell myself sternly, staggering and spitting blood into the historic streets of center city Philadelphia.  You’re fuckin done.  No more fuckin sugar.  No more fuckin candy.  No more fuckin ice cream.  Fuckin lose the bags of Snickers and Three Fuckin Musketeers.  You’re fuckin hooked, assholes, you’re a sugarholic, and you’re gonna fucking lose your fuckin teeth before your 30th birthday.”

( Philly people –our adverb of choice is “fuckin.”  You know how we teach the alphabet is South Philly?  “Fuckin A.  Fuckin B. “  Got it? )

So — I kept that vow.  I have not eaten processed sugar since that day.  What’s it been — 35 years?  No candy, no cake, no cinnamon buns.  No bacon (okay — once in a while it sneaks in).  No Russian dressing.  Nothing with sugar, sucrose, dextrose, molasses, corn syrup, fructose, sucrose, etc., on the label.  No rum, brandy, cordials, etc.  Fuckin nothin’.

The sweetest thing I eat any more is Guido’s pussy.  And that’s really garlic and oregano, with a touch of Chilean sea bass.

I mention this because it’s Halloween and we have 50 candy bars in the house to hand out.  After all this time, it’s still a temptation.  This is what addiction is all about: you never get over it, you’re always “recovering.”  You can fall back into the abyss at any moment, and it’s like you never left.  Read Infinite Jest.  Life is addiction.  Good and bad.

At 8:30 PM there have been exactly three knocks on the door by Trick or Treaters.  Where are all the kids?  More to the point: what are we gonna fuckin do with all this candy?

Guido isn’t as strict as I am.  She’ll have a Mars Bar or two.  That leaves about 20-25.

Maybe I’ll take it over to my dentist.  Make a deal.  Yeah.

When Guido eats Snickers, does that affect……..oh, you’re sick.  Never mind.

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6 Responses to Tooth or Consequences

  1. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such pigs.

  2. julesagray says:

    I agree with Mumblety.

  3. Constance Tur-Mohel says:

    Yeah, that sea bass thing was over the line.

    4 out of 5 dentists with children in college recommend Sugar Daddy, especially

    for folks with old fillings. If the rot don’t get ya, the torque will.

    But back to yesterday and the costumes of Christianity:

    Where do they get those wonderful hats?

    • Miles Standish says:

      I happen to love Chilean sea bass. True fact: it was formerly known as “Patagonian Toothfish.”

      You shouldn’t pick on Christians’ funny hats. It appears to me that it’s SOP for all religions to dress their clergy funny. Ever wonder what the Indians thought the first time they laid eyes on the Pilgrims, dressed the way they were?

      • Constance Tur-Mohel says:

        Wait a minute!

        You’re telling me Priscilla Mullins got off the boat

        in a red hat with matching red shoes?

        Maybe you’ve got her confused with Hester Prynne,

        varsity cheerleader at Andover High.

  4. Moose and Squirrel says:

    There was a time when you might have given out apples instead of candy — but now most people distrust anything that ends up in the bag unwrapped.

    This year if I’d given out dollar bills it would have been cheaper than the candy I bought. Which I’m going to give away: damnded if I want that sitting around the house. Except for one, maybe two. :).

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