A Lost Art-Fay

How would you like to start your week — yet another story about an accidental shooting here in the Gunshine State so we can rehearse once more the myth about how lots of people carrying plenty of guns make us safer?  This time it was some woman who dropped her handbag in a Starbucks, firing a 25 caliber handgun she says she forgot was in there.  The bullet hit a friend of hers above the knee.

This is what the National Rifle Selling Association says the Founding Fathers had in mind with the Second Amendment, so any talk about limiting access to weapons is communism or something.  Any careless asshat  can have a gun, and many do, but that’s just the price of freedom, see.

Nah — let’s air this one out instead..

It started when he farted.

An Immokalee woman who is accused of throwing a kitchen knife at her longtime boyfriend told detectives she became angry when he passed gas in her face while they were watching TV Tuesday night, according to an arrest report.

Deborah Ann Burns, 37, said when she confronted her 53-year-old boyfriend about the flatulence he told her to “shut up.” The two began arguing and at some point ended up in the kitchen, deputies reported.

The boyfriend was later found outside the home on the 400 block of Gaunt Street with a small knife wound to his stomach, reports stated. — Naples News

I know — this should be reported in the Huff-Post.  And maybe it is.

bullfartsScientists and sociologists — no, they’re not the same animal, no matter what the latter tell you — have produced ample data that demonstrate the vast differences in attitude between men and women on the subject of farts.  In a nutshell, while most men find farting somewhat funny and enjoyable, most women, well, don’t.  And it turns out that many more women than men are moved to rage and violence by a farting man.

I happen to know a psychologist who studied this phenomenon in some detail, so I call him for his thoughts.  Dr. Davis Derriere is happy to share.

“Definitely one of those gender-specific differences,” he tells me.  “Not 100%, of course, but something like 5:1 in most focus groups.”

Focus groups?  What do you do — feed people lots of fiber and put ‘em in a room for an hour?

“No, no.  It’s based on interviews.  What we learned it that in most cases there’s no context needed, no accumulated list of major or minor grievances that precede the fragrant afflatus to trigger a violent episode.”

The guy farts and the woman just snaps?

“Yep.  The fair sex seems to take it personally.  In studies they say things like ‘lack of respect’ and “being treated like shit.’  The men can’t understand why anybody would get so upset about a perfectly natural function that everybody does anyway.”

Right — I mean if we really wanted to tick ‘em off, we’d wipe ourselves on the curtains or something.

“ I guess.  And by the way this seems to be a human thing only.  We don’t see anything like this female reaction in the animal kingdom.”

I think I knew that — my dog loves my farts.  She wags her tail and sneezes afterwards.

“Beats a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.  Or a knife in the gut.  Gotta go.”

It’s real simple, guys.  You don’t like scrap books, they don’t like farts.  You want somebody to share your farts, get a dog.   And by the way — they fart back, which isn’t as funny.  Trust me.

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3 Responses to A Lost Art-Fay

  1. Barbara Ganousch says:

    I had a cat who would look at me indignantly when I farted, and leave the room. At the same time, I had a cat who would jump on my lap and remain with me every time I sat down in the bathroom.

  2. Mumblety Peg says:

    Men are such pigs.

  3. 'Nonymous says:

    You should stick to writing about farts. You know jack shit about guns. Next time you’re mugged, try farting in self-defense and see what it gets you.

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