Kvetch (Part 1)

I’m not a good traveler.  Flying still scares me.  I’m somewhat claustrophobic and I don’t fit in airplane seats very well (who does?).  Being surrounded by blaring teevees irritates me.  I’m easily disoriented by maze-like structures directing pedestrian traffic, and I can’t easily see or read signs when there are dozens of them in my visual field.  I don’t eat anything sold in convenience stores.  And of course, I resent authority, whether it’s a TSA employee, flight attendant, or gate agent.

Heathrow_Airport_TerminalSo what I try to do is keep my head down, my mouth shut, and my thoughts to themselves.  No sense in making anybody else miserable.  The best approach is to sleep the whole way.  Drinking helps, but not on morning flights.

Sunday’s voyage to the frozen North (Duluth: wind chill advisory in effects as temps in the minus-teens are recorded; resulting in -40s WC factor) starts badly when the three papers fail to arrive before I depart for the airport.  One way I can stay human on flights is to lose myself in newspapers, and the Sunday NY Times is the ideal instrument.   But upon arrival I learn that it isn’t available at the airport, either.  Dammit!

I buy a Miami Hurled instead.  As the plane starts back from the terminal, I open it up, scan the headlines, and get a deja vu experience: didn’t I read this exact same story yesterday?  And wait–where’s the game day football coverage?  Holy Longjohns, Batman — there’s no comics!  NO COMICS!!

So today I sent the following email to the Miami Hurled:

On Sunday 12/15 delivery of the paper was sufficiently late that I left for a day of travel beginning with an 8:00 am flight without it.  The “Sunday paper” I bought at the airport turned out to be Saturday’s news (which I’d read the day before) without so much as even the Sunday comics section.  I saw — belatedly — that the paper identifies as “Early Sunday edition” — still on sale at 7:30 am in the airport?  That’s scandalous as well as annoying.  You owe me $1.

“Early Sunday edition” still on sale at the airport at 8 am.  Intolerable.  No wonder this fish wrap loses circulation like a hemorrhaging harpooned whale.

Fifteen minutes later I get the following response:

Thank you for contacting The Miami Herald

We sincerely apologize for the inconvenience and the delivery error you experienced. Your subscription has been credited with $1.00

Our priority has always been and will be to provide you with the highest level of service.

So there you have it.  Screw the larger point, just give the crabby bastard his dollar back. Since he’s such a funny funny fellow he can read the stinking comics when he gets home.   That’s our ‘highest level of service’ — like it or wipe your stained ass with it, we don’t care.

Actually, that leaves me down 6 cents: they charge tax at the airport.  I’ll deduct it from next year’s return.

Next: Spirit Airlines rims another innocent.

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2 Responses to Kvetch (Part 1)

  1. Lois Terms says:

    Subscribe on line and never miss another delivery.

  2. Hugh Bris says:

    What Lois said. Newspapers in airports are going the way of payphones, and good riddance. Some airlines provide Wifi service so you can not only read the papers on-line, but send and receive email. Papers are bulky, dirty, and a pain in the ass to maneuver in the cramped space of a crowded airplane. Get with the century. Resistance is futile.

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