Keep It Wrinkled

mormon-missionaries1Perhaps it’s the bad weather, or maybe many people disgruntled by a less than satisfactory Valentine’s Day this year, but interest has been recently rekindled in the Mormon document, “Steps to Overcoming Masturbation.”

As an old hand in this practice, I reviewed these suggestions carefully, trying to get some insight into that prominent Mormon fellow who just lost an erection.  Sorry, election.   Was this the kind of bitter medicine forced down his adolescent throat that turned him into the stilted, plasticine goober he became?  And how come there’s no illustrations in this publication?

Here are my two favorite suggestions:

18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.

In the dark of night, between the sheets, these brave souls fondle their prayer books while you — sinner! — reach for the goodies.  They arise, faith restored, to face the day in triumphant flaccidity.  Although it’s a bit off-putting to realize that is isn’t faith and piety guiding the hands of those bible-bashing, book-clutching zealots who parade through neighborhoods to spread the word and save souls.  Those books are wood-resistant.

19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

Self-bondage deployed as a technique to discourage sex?  What kind of sick mind works this way?  Is there a word for people who corrupt perversions?  However, this helps to explain those wrinkled neckties ubiquitous among Mormon men.

Anyway, I recommend reading the entire pamphlet.  Insofar as it is provided here as a public service, it would be very helpful to hear from readers who find the suggestions valuable.  Or not.

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6 Responses to Keep It Wrinkled

  1. Lois Terms says:

    You’ll find this and more in the Bible, specifically the Book of Ludicrous.

  2. Neil, A Christian Soul says:

    There is good reason that most religions and cultures condemn masturbation: the abominable practice disrespects not only the miracle of human life, but God as well. While not a member if the LDS myself, I find the approach here compassionate, thoughtful, and helpful. You probably neither know nor care that the mocking and dismissive attitude you present identifies you with Satanic behavior. I will pray for you, but you’re going to hell.

  3. Sir Jerk Off says:

    I know this blog’s author. Apparently you’ve met him. HA, HA.
    “…identifies you with Satanic behavior.”
    Can you honestly tell this audience that you’ve never masturbated?

    You know the old Bible thing…”He who casts the first…” You know the rest.

  4. Wonton Amaro says:

    I got halfway through that pamphlet and had to quit, I was laughing so hard. My favorite one is:

    3. When the temptation to masturbate is strong, yell STOP to those thoughts as loudly as you can in your mind and then recite a prechosen Scripture or sing an inspirational hymn. It is important to turn your thoughts away from the selfish need to indulge.

    I used to work with a guy who would break out singing hyms all the time, all day long. Now I think I know why.

  5. Gotta keep them desperate enough to marry so as to f*** their way to Mormon “heaven” as new Gods and Goddesses, after all. Of course, the wives only get to go if the new Godlings to be say they’ve been good enough.

  6. Living Will says:

    I see how this works. After enduring the agony of a case of blue balls for 20 years, Mormon men marry early and start making up for lost time, creating multiple families, each with dozens of kids. I have this image of a copulating swarm of insects, and it isn’t pleasant.

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