Perhaps it’s the bad weather, or maybe many people disgruntled by a less than satisfactory Valentine’s Day this year, but interest has been recently rekindled in the Mormon document, “Steps to Overcoming Masturbation.”
As an old hand in this practice, I reviewed these suggestions carefully, trying to get some insight into that prominent Mormon fellow who just lost an erection. Sorry, election. Was this the kind of bitter medicine forced down his adolescent throat that turned him into the stilted, plasticine goober he became? And how come there’s no illustrations in this publication?
Here are my two favorite suggestions:
18. It is sometimes helpful to have a physical object to use in overcoming this problem. A Book of Mormon, firmly held in hand, even in bed at night has proven helpful in extreme cases.
In the dark of night, between the sheets, these brave souls fondle their prayer books while you — sinner! — reach for the goodies. They arise, faith restored, to face the day in triumphant flaccidity. Although it’s a bit off-putting to realize that is isn’t faith and piety guiding the hands of those bible-bashing, book-clutching zealots who parade through neighborhoods to spread the word and save souls. Those books are wood-resistant.
19. In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.
Self-bondage deployed as a technique to discourage sex? What kind of sick mind works this way? Is there a word for people who corrupt perversions? However, this helps to explain those wrinkled neckties ubiquitous among Mormon men.
Anyway, I recommend reading the entire pamphlet. Insofar as it is provided here as a public service, it would be very helpful to hear from readers who find the suggestions valuable. Or not.