For 25 years, I’ve despised the pair of loud, nasty, inconsiderate redneck hinds next door. When they’re not out there “guerrilla gardening” — that’s when they wait for us to leave the house, reach over or under the wall between us and start yanking out landscaping, then throw it back into our yard — they’re hollering obscenities at one another, carrying on like the Bickersons. If the Bickersons were X-rated mouth breathers.
Once, just once, I caught the rat bastard Caveman cutting on my foliage, and tossed him on his ass. He threatened to “get his .38.” Cops arrived. Nothing more happened, but that stopped the vandalism for a few years.
“Worse than living next to niggers,” is the way Caveman put it. “Goddam fucking ghetto.”
Wow. Who knew I lived next door to a poet?
I do what I can to aggravate them, like grow unattractive shrubs and vines to tower over the cement wall between us, shedding leaves and petals into their pool. Hearing Cuntwife actually cursing out birds flying over their yard — evidently once upon a time one dropped a turd in the pool or something — I installed a bird feeder right up against the property line. And when I mow the lawn, I always make sure to blow as much lawn debris as I can under the wall for them to clean up. Little shit like that.
But thanks to a squabble breaking out in the Broward city of Sunrise, I think I’ve finally got an ace to play. Apparently it’s perfectly legal for any drooling dumbass in the state of Florida to build a target range in his back yard, and there are absolutely zero regulations governing structure, safeguards, or inspections.
While state law says homeowners can set up residential target ranges, it does not stipulate when they can shoot and what kind of buffers should be built to ensure neighborhood safety. State law expressly forbids cities from coming up with their own rules and guidelines…. In 2011, the state created severe penalties for elected officials who enact their own gun laws: They can be removed from office and fined $5,000. The same goes for police officers who try to enforce such laws.
“We could have the entire commission removed and our head of law enforcement,” [Sunrise Mayor Mike] Ryan said. “This is an absolutely draconian and anti-democratic scheme to prevent us from protecting our residents and businesses.” –Sun Sentinel
I show this to Guido and offer to remove all the jungle-like landscaping I’ve nurtured for two decades if she’ll let me set up a gun range, establishing targets on the property line between us and the rednecks. Guido really wants less vegetation back there anyway.
“You’d take out ALL of it?” she asks, suspiciously.
Posilutely.. We’d keep just whatever’s up against the house and out by the alley, clearing the center. Maybe a pair of citrus trees, if they don’t interfere.
“Bullshit,” she rules. “And anyway, No. Why do you have to out-asshole everybody?”
It’s an old discussion between us. I maintain that you can’t argue with jackasses, you need to beat them. And re-beat them regularly because they’re too damn dumb and stubborn to stay beaten. Besides, the only answer to an asshole without a gun range in his back yard is an asshole WITH a gun range in his back yard.
We could have parties! Get friends over, drink lots of beer, and fire our guns in their direction! It’ll drive ‘em batshit crazy! They’ll call the cops and find out there’s not a goddam thing they can do about it!
We don’t even have to use live ammo! We just have to make them THINK we’re using live ammo!
But Guido isn’t listening any more. She shows me that weary pitying look they develop around menopause — the one that lets us pathetic be-dicked spouses know they’ll outlive us because not only do we deserve to die first, they’re placing bets with their friends and watching.
So obviously I have some work to do. Stay tuned, America!