“Stand Yer Ground” Meets “Can’t Stand ‘Em Around”

For 25 years, I’ve despised the pair of loud, nasty, inconsiderate redneck hinds next door.  When they’re not out there “guerrilla gardening” — that’s when they wait for us to leave the house, reach over or under the wall between us and start yanking out landscaping, then throw it back into our yard — they’re hollering obscenities at one another, carrying on like the Bickersons.  If the Bickersons were X-rated mouth breathers.

sign-1-target-rangeI call them Caveman and Cuntwife.

Once, just once, I caught the rat bastard Caveman cutting on my foliage, and tossed him on his ass.  He threatened to “get his .38.”  Cops arrived.  Nothing more happened, but that stopped the vandalism for a few years.

“Worse than living next to niggers,” is the way Caveman put it.  “Goddam fucking ghetto.”

Wow.  Who knew I lived next door to a poet?

I do what I can to aggravate them, like grow unattractive shrubs and vines to tower over the cement wall between us, shedding leaves and petals into their pool.  Hearing Cuntwife actually cursing out birds flying over their yard — evidently once upon a time one dropped a turd in the pool or something — I installed a bird feeder right up against the property line.  And when I mow the lawn, I always make sure to blow as much lawn debris as I can under the wall for them to clean up.  Little shit like that.

But thanks to a squabble breaking out in the Broward city of Sunrise, I think I’ve finally got an ace to play.  Apparently it’s perfectly legal for any drooling dumbass in the state of Florida to build a target range in his back yard, and there are absolutely zero regulations governing structure, safeguards, or inspections.

While state law says homeowners can set up residential target ranges, it does not stipulate when they can shoot and what kind of buffers should be built to ensure neighborhood safety. State law expressly forbids cities from coming up with their own rules and guidelines…. In 2011, the state created severe penalties for elected officials who enact their own gun laws: They can be removed from office and fined $5,000. The same goes for police officers who try to enforce such laws.

“We could have the entire commission removed and our head of law enforcement,” [Sunrise Mayor Mike] Ryan said. “This is an absolutely draconian and anti-democratic scheme to prevent us from protecting our residents and businesses.”  –Sun Sentinel

I show this to Guido and offer to remove all the jungle-like landscaping I’ve nurtured for two decades if she’ll let me set up a gun range, establishing targets on the property line between us and the rednecks.  Guido really wants less vegetation back there anyway.

“You’d take out ALL of it?” she asks, suspiciously.

Posilutely..  We’d keep just whatever’s up against the house and out by the alley, clearing the center.   Maybe a pair of citrus trees, if they don’t interfere.

“Bullshit,” she rules.  “And anyway, No.  Why do you have to out-asshole everybody?”

It’s an old discussion between us.  I maintain that you can’t argue with jackasses, you need to beat them.  And re-beat them regularly because they’re too damn dumb and stubborn to stay beaten.  Besides, the only answer to an asshole without a gun range in his back yard is an asshole WITH a gun range in his back yard.

We could have parties!  Get friends over, drink lots of beer, and fire our guns in their direction!  It’ll drive ‘em batshit crazy!  They’ll call the cops and find out there’s not a goddam thing they can do about it!


We don’t even have to use live ammo!  We just have to make them THINK we’re using live ammo!

But Guido isn’t listening any more.  She shows me that weary pitying look they develop around menopause  — the one that lets us pathetic be-dicked spouses know they’ll outlive us because not only do we deserve to die first, they’re placing bets with their friends and watching.

So obviously I have some work to do.  Stay tuned, America!

PS  This just in:  Florida’s Attorney General is on my side!

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11 Responses to “Stand Yer Ground” Meets “Can’t Stand ‘Em Around”

  1. Frank of Oregon says:

    This is hard to fathom — ANYbody can set up a target range and just start shooting? Floridians deserve to murder one another.

  2. Helen Highwater says:

    Once again, Floridians are on the front line of protecting Americans’ 2nd Amendment freedom to be complete irresponsible morons.

  3. Mr Schwinnickle says:

    Name the time and I’ll be over. I’ll let you shoot mine. Leave the alcohol and beer in the bottles.

    • Ted End says:

      Ooooh can’t wait to shoot beer bottles in your back yard with Mr. Schwinkle! It’s called glass-blowing, right?

  4. Private Partz says:

    I’d like to see the Mayor of Sunrise and his police department commit an act of civil disobedience here and challenge the state to enforce this monstrous law. If nothing else, it would humiliate the shameless ass-sucking Florida legislature that dutifully obeyed the whims of the NRA in writing it. Florida now leads Arizona in the race to the bottom.

    • Gunner says:

      The “act of civil disobedience” you call for is in reality a strike against the Constitution as well as Florida law. Maybe you didn’t hear — the Supreme Court ruled that under the 2nd Amendment individuals have the right to own guns. Florida’s bill reenforces that right while telling interfering government at all levels to stay out of private affairs of this important nature.

      • One Man's Opinion says:

        Gunner, you’re an ignoramus. I didn’t see anything that suggested the mayor wants to ban or confiscate guns; just regulate when and where you can fire them. Nowhere in the Constitution does it say you can fire a gun anywhere, anytime. Someone please tell my why it people seem to lose their common sense when they own a gun.

      • Private Partz says:

        I wonder if Gunner believes the right to own a gun implies the right to kill with it.

  5. MAD Man says:

    I love it! Call it the MAD Law. You set up your “spite” range and they’ll set up their “spite” range, both facing each other. Each take ten paces from your targets and…, BAM! BAM! BAM!
    All issues resolved! Mutually Assured Destruction!
    The neighborhood is improved and there are more parking spaces for the rest of us!
    I want the cable rights!

  6. Ruh Roh says:

    Shots and beer has a whole new meaning.

  7. Mr Schwinnickle says:

    Shotz not Shots….. but I really like that one.

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