Pay Appall

We’re about to go to press with our program book, which has the usual show information, sponsors’ ads, stories and photos about the performers, background information on the organization and why we’re doing this, etc. Standard fare.

PPS_Logo1Last year we added a Like Us on Facebook code because everybody told us it was a smart thing to do. Nobody told us why it’s a smart thing to do, so I still don’t know. Perhaps someday it will be explained to me (ideally, in very simple terms) how getting liked on Facebook makes a damn bit of difference, or raises any money.

But that gave me an idea: maybe we could put a code in the program that allows members of the audience to authorize donations to the organization by training their cell phone apps on it and accessing our PayPal account. I remember there’s a way to put a DONATE NOW button on a website — maybe we can put this on a printed document?

Because I don’t have any idea how to do this, and am ‘way too stupid to figure it out for myself, I swallow hard and determine to call PayPal, something that has never failed to drive me bat-shit crazy as they have simply the worst customer service ever devised by sadistic perverted father-fuckers in the deepest depths of Dante’s hell. But first, I figure, I’ll log-in to my account. Save some time.

After 15 minutes of futility trying to log in to my own PayPal account, I give up. We’re at the point where after I type name and password, I have to maneuver through one of those miasmic ketchup or Captcha codes that befuddle visually-impaired people like myself; and after that it sends me right back to the log-in/password page. So I call.

PayPal’s customer service torture commences with the automated receptionist, whom I abuse criminally with the kind of screamed vulgarities heard only at bloodlust soccer matches between Pakistan and India. Finally I say the magic word, “Agent.”

calvinpaypalThe first human being knows: Nothing. However, we manage to change passwords so I can at least access my account. But because he can’t address my Donate Now question, he transfers me to Agent Two. Who spends about 45 minutes puzzling over why the account page I’m looking at doesn’t have the same tabs and options he sees. “How can I help you when you don’t have the tools on your screen?” he actually asks me, like this is something I chose or designed.

He gets past this eventually, but doesn’t grasp at first that I don’t want to put a Donate Now button on my website; I want it on a printed document. He doesn’t get that at second, either, or even fourth. Maybe in the nerd world he lives in they don’t have printed documents anymore? When at last I get through to him, he says he doesn’t know how to do that and finds a tech somewhere to talk to me.

Agent Three listens carefully and tells me it can’t be done. “Perhaps some other service like that is available,” he says, “but PayPal doesn’t offer that option.”

End of story? I relay the news to my printer, who instructs me to send the PayPal’s Donate Now Code to him, which I do, and which he magically converts to a QR code and places it in the program. “I don’t know why they told you it was impossible,” he emails me. “I’ve been doing it for clients for years now.”

Fucking PayPal. Worse than the IRS, DMV, and LSMFT combined.


PayPal emails me the following nice little note:

We know situations like this can be difficult, so thanks for working with us. If you have more questions, visit our Help Center by clicking “Help” in the top right corner of any PayPal page.

Add your mobile number to your PayPal account so we can reach you right away if we ever need to verify account activity with you. Simply log in to your PayPal account, click “Profile” near the top of the page and then click “Update” beside “Phone.”

You can also make and receive payments with your mobile phone when you add it to your PayPal account. After your confirm your number and create a PIN, you’ll be able to get money, send money, check your balance, or manage your account from your phone using simple text messages.

PayPal Product Support
PayPal, an eBay Company

Isn’t that thoughtful? If absolutely irrelevant and useless? So I send the following reply:

Dear Clint:

So after what turned into a 90 minute time-suck with PayPal, I finally managed to convey my actual question: How do I place a Donate Now link on a printed program brochure that will allow members of an audience to train their telephone apps on it and initiate a donation?  Your tech people told me this service was not available: best they could do is send me the code to place that button on my website or Facebook page.  End of story…..

…….Except when I relayed this information to my  graphic artist/printer, he told me to send him the link and placed it in the brochure, where it works perfectly.

You people don’t know a goddam thing except how to waste time and provide misinformation.  Please share that among your colleagues.

Best wishes for a happy Thanksgiving.

That made me feel better for about 10 minutes, when I got this:

We want to help you but we’re not able to respond directly to emails sent to this address. One of the best ways to get answers to your questions is to go to the PayPal website and visit the Help Center by clicking “Help” at the top of the page.

If you have a problem with limited access to your account, you’ll need to:

1. Go to the PayPal website and log in to your PayPal account.
2. Click “Resolution Center” at the top of the page.

3. Follow the instructions in “Steps to Remove Limitations.”

If you can’t log in to your account, you’ll need to:

1.  Go to the PayPal website.
2. Click “Contact Us” at the bottom of any page.

3. Click “Contact Customer Service.”
4. Click “Continue” and follow the instructions.

We value your business and want to provide you with the best customer care.



Conclusive proof that there is no god. But there is Jack Daniels and leftover turkey, so I have something to be thankful for this holiday weekend, and hope you do, too.



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1 Response to Pay Appall

  1. Piles says:

    They’re the worst. I switched to Amazon, which has its own issues, but I’d never go back.

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