CAIRO — A poet and activist hit with a blast of birdshot from a police shotgun during a march to lay flowers in Tahrir Square in Cairo died because she was too thin, a spokesman for Egypt’s medical examiner said late Saturday.
The poet and activist, Shaimaa el-Sabbagh, was killed on Jan. 24, a day before the anniversary of Egypt’s Arab Spring revolt in 2011. Before the marchers could reach Tahrir Square, riot police officers blasted them with tear gas and birdshot at close range as photographers and cameramen watched. Their haunting images of Ms. Sabbagh dying in the arms of another marcher have made her a symbol of the epidemic of police abuse.
On Saturday, though, the spokesman for the Medical Forensics Authority said in a television interview that Ms. Sabbagh, 31, would not have died had she not been so slender. “Shaimaa el-Sabbagh, according to science, should not have died,” the spokesman said. — NYTimes
So not only is it true that guns don’t kill people, turns out people don’t kill people, either. Low body fat index, though, will kill you every time. At least when shots are raining down.
“Without downplaying the tragic outcome here, we see this as instructive,” commented Bif Birdshot, a spokesman for the NRA, when I reach him by phone. “As America comes to its senses about honoring the wisdom contained in the Second Amendment by arming themselves to the teeth, citizens need to beef themselves up as well. As more and more of us exercise the right to carry our weapons wherever we want — college campuses, churches, bars and restaurants, courtrooms, mental institutions, etc. — the number of fatal incidents can be reduced simply by packing on a few extra pounds.”
Is this why so many gun fetishists are disgusting fat blobs of ignorant protoplasm?
“Probably not, although that’s an interesting take on it. I think it’s more to do with the general view of life that goes hand in hand with Second Amendment advocates. Our appetites for adventure, danger, power, sports, independence, and strength are more developed than the average puny pointy-head libfuck, and our appetites for food — real red meat type food — reflects this as well.”
Yeah, nothing says power, sport, and adventure like hunting ducks, for example. Or firing rounds into traffic signs on rural roads. Or mugging seniors and spraying bedroom windows. And I guess this explains overweight cops, too.
“Guns don’t kill people any more than spoons make people fat.”
True, but it sure makes it easier, doesn’t it? Ever try to eat a milkshake with chopsticks?
“Ha ha! You’re making me hungry. Gotta go. Thanks for the call, and remember, one carried gun is worth two in the bush. Or something.”
I can see it now — National Poet Shoots, rankings calculated by weight. Brought to you by the Fat Armed Society for American Exceptionalism. No Lite beer sponsors here! I love this century.