Siriusly? I mean, Siriusly?

The new leased car has a 60 day free trial for SiriusXM service. Within hours, I’m totally hooked. Turns out if you have it in your car, you can access it on your computer, too! I sign up, log in, play around. But a few weeks later, I can’t log in anymore. The hell?

siriusAfter a few dozen attempts I determine I need to register a new password. They send me the link, I try to re-up, but no matter what, I get refused. Fuck this, right?

But instead, I try the chat help-line. See below for an abridged version.

Anthony: Hi, my name is Anthony, Thank you for contacting SiriusXM. How may I help you?

Squathole: seems like Sirius doesn’t recognize my name/pw; when i asked to reset it doesn’t let me. no idea why.

Anthony: I’m sorry to hear that you are facing an issue. I’ll be happy to help you with that.

Anthony: In order to assist you with your request, I will need to access your account. For security reasons, can you please provide the following information?

1) the Account holder’s first name, last name or business name
2) the complete address, including zip code
3) the phone number.

(I happily provide this secret info rather than referring him to the NSA)

Anthony: Thank you for that information, please give me a moment while I access your account…. Certain changes made on your account may result in us sending you an email confirming the changes. Is squathiole@gmail.com your current email address?

Squathole: I don’t understand your sentence, but yes that’s current email.

Anthony: Currently there are no changes made. In future if you make any changes on account we will send you an confirmation e-mail. So, that’s the reason we are confirming your current e-mail address.

Anthony: Thank you for confirming the email address.

Anthony: Are you trying to manage your account?

Squathole: I am just trying to log on. After numerous attempts which were denied, I tried changing p/w.  now the system won’t even let me do that.

Anthony: For security reasons, we are unable to view or change passwords through chat. I can send you an email which contains a link to reset your password for the Online Account Center, where you can manage your passwords. The link is unique to your account and will only be valid for 2 hours. Would you like me to send you the email now?

Squathole: How does that differ from the link I’m already trying to use — which simply tells me “something went wrong and we encountered an error please try again”? which I do, to no avail.

Anthony: Passwords must be 8-20 characters and cannot contain last name, username, email address, common words or names. They must also have at least one character from at least 3 of the following:

Uppercase letters: A-Z
Lowercase letters: a-z
Numbers: 0-9
Special Characters: !, @, # $, %, ^ , *, ( ,), -, _=, +

Squathole: I followed that protocol. It’s not working. btw — you’re not exactly right about that formula — website says I need THREE of each of those categories. “Passwords must be 8-20 characters and also have three of the following: uppercase letters (A-Z), lowercase letters (a-z), numbers (0-9), special characters ! @ # $ % ^ & * ( ) , _ = +”

Anthony: Thank you for that information.

Anthony: I understand that you have been unable to reset your password. For security reasons, we are unable to view or change passwords through chat. For further assistance, please call Listener Care at 888-635-5142. Once you call in our listener care will take care of this issue.

Anthony: Do you have any other questions for me today?

Squathole: Well I’m delighted I could help YOU. No, thanks, now I’ll call. Thanks again.
Great stuff, innit? The only information of any substance he provides is inconsistent with the statement on his own damn web site. And could he care less? Not apparently.

MS Continuing Education Program: Piss Off Everybody, Get Smart!

So I call, get a robotic answering drone whom I curse out until it forwards me to a semi-human being who is pretty damn useless, too, until she cuts off the connection and I have to redial. So I curse out another robot, get forwarded to another semi-human, whom I bitch out for my prior experience just so she understands she’s dealing with a hostile impatient intolerant old fart with the manners of a red-assed rabid coyote.

She’s apologetic, of course. Apologetic is the new incompetence. Costs management nothing, and keep low-paid staff desperate and humiliated.

This one goes through all the bullshit administrative steps the first one covers, then asks me to go to the log-in page and try again. She tells me the rules of creating a new password. I tell her I’ve followed those rules to the letter, and all I get is a message that reads “Ooops! We’ve encountered a problem. Please try again.”

Squathole: Why can’t you just give me a password that works? Why do I have to figure out what’s wrong with this one?

Serius: Oh, no sir — for security reasons, only customers may have access to their own passwords.

(Translation: “security” = “liability.”)

Squathole: Lemme ask you something. Your website says Passwords must be 8- 20 characters and also have three of the following: uppercase letters (A-Z), lowercase letters (a-z), numbers (0-9), special characters ! @ # $ % ^ & * ( ) , _ = + Is that right?

Serius: Yessir.

Squathole: Okay — so does that mean my password needs EXACTLY three each of the four sets of characters denoted?

Serius: Yessir.

Squathole: Okay — that would mean every password should be EXACTLY 12 fucking characters, because there are 4 sets of characters and 3 x 4 =12. And yet your own goddam website says passwords must be 8 -20 characters, which while technically true of the number 12, isn’t what that usually means, and besides, what would be the point of mandating that? And now I have your own website telling me one thing, the dipshit on chat telling me another thing, and you telling me a third thing. None of which has me any closer to logging in and hearing music.

At this point, the flustered young creature consults a supervisor, who miraculously overrides the moronic password requirements and unalterable rule governing password manufacture and security, and cooks up a password (s)he says will work. It’s one upper-case letter, 4 lower-case letters, 4 numerals, and no special characters. Because all that other crap is just fucking bullshit and god alone knows why they love playing at it.

I lean all over her about that, too, and of course, she apologizes.

Anyway, I make a note of the new password, and then she tells me that there’s problems with the link that sends people to their website, and if I want to access the program on computer I need to type in http://www.siriusxm/legacyplayer as opposed to their brand spanking new GUI which hasn’t been working properly. Why did it take 30 minutes to figure this shit out?

There are problems on the legacy player site as well. Click on the Channel tab and nothing happens. I ask her where I find the listing of stations and descriptions (similar to the retro-printed guide I clutch in my clenched paw) and she says it doesn’t exist. But then I discover two tiny tabs, one of which says GRID VIEW, and that’s where it is.

Squathole: (shrieking and foaming) Don’t you fucking know a goddam thing about your own company, website, and services? I’m calling YOU for help and I end up telling YOU how to find and fix shit — and I’m a fucking first class technomoron! Should I send you a bill for services?

Serius: Oh, no sir. Customer service is free with your subscription.

That’s when I gave it all up.

But man was I not in the mood to hear any music afterwards.

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6 Responses to Siriusly? I mean, Siriusly?

  1. Constance Turmohel says:

    Your Eminence, brevet Pope of Fishtown, thank-you for calling Shibboleths-R-Us.
    Your call is important to us, please hold.

  2. "Esq" a Lawyer says:

    See, like most old farts your problem is you actually take seriously the written word and expect everybody else to. They don’t. Nobody at Sirius or anywhere outside lawyers’ caves gives a damn what the website says about passwords. Some ditz wrote that and promptly forgot it because they knew nobody would read it — except rare elderly crabasses like yourself who count for nothing anyway. This is replayed every day across the country where people argue about the coupons they’re trying to use, ads they see, service contracts they sign, etc. Trust me when I assure you that logic and reason are entirely irrelevant to the argument, and useless to appeal to. PS No charge.

  3. Lois Terms says:

    “Apologetic is the new incompetence.” I like that.

  4. Private Partz says:

    This sounds like something that should have taken maybe 5 minutes to resolve. But that implies Sirius wants to spend money on training and keeping competent staff. But why bopther? It’s not like you’re gonna take your business to their competition.

  5. Squathole says:

    Got this in my email:

    Dear Valued SiriusXM Customer,

    On behalf of SiriusXM, we have a special opportunity for you to participate in a survey about the call you made to our Listener Care Department on 06/02/2015. SiriusXM is focused on delivering excellent customer service and therefore, would like to include your valuable opinion on how well we took care of your most recent need. The survey takes less than 5 minutes to complete.

    Glad to help. That was a rewarding few minutes of my time.

  6. Anonymous says:

    may I suggest Pandora or spotify….. Pandora you can make any station you want. spotify you can listen to what you want when you want…..

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