Some English-as-a-Fourth-Language skunk on the line claims he’s from MicroSoft. Tells me they detect serious viral problems on my computer so I need to follow his step-by-step instructions to detect and then delete malware files! Okay please? So press key on left side of keyboard between the CTR and ALT buttons……
When one of these pukes finds my number and calls I usually blow him off with a suggestion to perform a physiological impossibility regarding his nether ends, but the other day when he calls I have some time and I’m in the mood for mischief. My goal is to keep him on the line for ten minutes. Ready, set, go!
First thing I do is tell him I’m having trouble hearing him with all the background noise. Please speak up! And I deliberately misunderstand his pronunciation, which irritates him.
“You see Control button on left?”
What? A contlor button on reft? I see one on the lite.
“No no! Control button. CTR! Then other button then Alt button! ALT.”
I don’t see those, but there’s a funny key I never noticed. It looks like a window with four uneven panes.
“Yes yes yes! That’s button! Press CTR and that button….”
But what about the coltror and ART button?
“No no! You press Windows button. Hold down!”
“Not whore! Hor! Hor down!”
Six minutes already. He’s practically berrowing. I mean, bellowing. Eventually we get to msconfig, and he solemnly explains that all these applications seen running are infected. He asks me to read the first line.
There is no first line. The window is completely blank.
It’s not, of course, but this stuns him, so he reiterates (le-it-el-ates) each step while I stumble after him, mis-hearing every instruction.
“You see applications there?”
Hmm. No, no app-ri-cations. Just brank — wait! Here’s a line of text.
“You no see applications there?”
I just told ya, Sport. It’s a single line of text. That’s all.
Pause. “Okay what line of text say?”
Rine of text says, “Lowlife scumbag on telephone is trying to fuck you over with midget third-world trouser snake.” Is that code?
Longer pause. “You see where list of applications runs?
Oh, wait! My screen went blank again! Are you doing this?
“No no — you should see rist of apprications! Config.sys!
No, now the screen is …..wait! Another line of text! It says, “Mutant offspring of outhouse maggot with bad English is too fucking dumb to know he’s being played.”
Dead air. Then, “Maybe need to press CTR/Windows button one more time prease.”
Okay……Aha! Screen refreshed and there’s another message. It says, “Fuckheaded cornhole smegma on phone eats ancient grandma snatch wrinkles.” Is that like DOS or C++ code?
We go back and forth like this another few times. I have a better than average vocabulary, and my creativity as a writer often draws admiration. But I’m running out of material with this shithead. Then….
“Hoy! You think I no know you tly to insurt me?”
Evidently not, Einstein. It’s been 20 minutes. Want to press your reset button and start over?
He totally loses it, and starts shrieking and wailing in his native tongue, which unfortunately for us both fails to achieve mutual illocutionary outcomes. I hear scuffling noises, and then an entirely new voice takes over.
“Sir! This is MicroSoft Security Transmission. Why you upset technician?”
I pinch my nostrils together and declaim in monotone falsetto, “The number you have dialed is not in service. Please hang up and try your number again. The number you have dialed in not in service…..”
And the line goes dead as Prince.
Ah, well. Break time’s over. Back to the dull job of writing fiction.
Until next time, of course.