Even The Losers

BojackMinding my very own business at the Liquor and Rubber Balls Sports Bar & Numismatics Anonymous Recovery Center when I commit the error of nodding hello to Betty Washerman- Shirtz, sitting down the bar and texting furiously. Washerman-Shirtz has a well-deserved reputation at LRB as a relentless and tedious political junkie, constantly over her head in one life-or-death cause or another, like changing the names of streets in Hollywood.

“This is a seriously bad development,” she tells me, grimly, downing her drink.

What — out of gin? I’m sure you can get Don to mix you another one. With or without formaldehyde?

“No, dearie. The bad development is these back room Republican power brokers trying to maneuver Trump off the ticket. I’m thinking it’s just rumor but there’s sources say it’s true. At the very least they’re talking about the RNC cutting off money to him and diverting it to local races.”

trum thumbWhy is this a problem? You want Trumpf to win?

“Of course not. But I don’t want him to drop out. God only knows what happens next — they move Pence up, they get Kasich or Cruz to take over, they run Bullwinkle and a ham sandwich instead — it all spells disaster for the Democrats.”

Lemme guess — cuz the ‘Crats nominated somebody so unpopular the only one she has a chance to beat is Trumpf?

“Isn’t it obvious? The sole candidate to rack up worse unfavorable numbers among voters than Hillary is Trump. She’d lose to Rubio or Jeb! in a New York minute. She’d lose to Jersey Governor Porcine! Hell, she’d lose to BoJack Horseman!’

I can see the banners. Vote Neigh for the U.S.A.

“Lemme tellya, if the Democrats were smart, they’d be infiltrating some of these high-level Republican gabfests and reinforcing Trump’s support. They might even shovel some extra cash his way, just to make sure the sonofabitch doesn’t lunch out. Losing him at the top of the ticket is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to the Clinton campaign.”

Didn’t Hildabeest send an email to that effect when she was still Secretary of State?

“Not funny, Squattle. And ‘Hildabeest’ is an offensive name dripping with microagressive sexist hatred.” She glares at her phone. “Excuse me. I gotta get on this.”

bojack 4 presYou go girl. Meanwhile, I get my microaggressive ass (WTF?) out of there. The Betty Washerman-Shirtzes of the world are another reason even normal voters despise the political process and the people who manipulate it.

But she has a point: 10 weeks out from Election Day, the second-to-last last person on earth I want as president is Hillary Rotten Clinton. That’s why how I’m voting for her.

Unless I write in BoJack Horseman.

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5 Responses to Even The Losers

  1. Helen Highwater says:

    I wonder if Betty Washeman-Shirtz thinks outside the botox, too.

  2. Dawgbowl says:

    And right on cue, Trump turns around and picks a pair of total right-wing zanies like Breitbart and Ailes, basically replacing the already-deranged Manfart to running the campaign (and his mouth). Watch: Right after Labor Day and another inevitable incident or two, Paul RINO will withdraw support for the candidate and divert party funds to local races.

  3. Kent Standit says:

    From today’s paper: “People are getting pretty nervous about our candidates because he’s in a death spiral here and nobody knows where the bottom is at,” said Senator Lindsey Graham, a South Carolina Republican who is close to many of his colleagues facing re-election.

    You mean the bottom isn’t when a war mongering redneck like Linseed Graham sounds like the adult in the room? And everyday the paperboy brings more.

  4. Piles says:

    Has it occurred to anybody that maybe he’s actually trying to lose the election? It sure looks like it — and now he dumped his relatively sane campaign manager in favor of a confirmed wingnut crackpot. Maybe the Clintons paid him off.

  5. One Man's Opinion says:

    I have no doubt he spits out his rhetoric because he has nothing to lose. He doesn’t really want to be president. No Way! It’s like he took a dare and now he can’t back out without looking like a loser. So he gets, and will continue to get, as outrageous as he wants. If, somehow, he happens to win the election, well it will be his best reality TV show yet. If he loses, no skin off his nose. It’ll just be a different reality TV show; The “Rigged” show. Either way, with Trumpf, we’re in for a reality TV season like no other.

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