Minding my very own business at the Liquor and Rubber Balls Sports Bar & Numismatics Anonymous Recovery Center when I commit the error of nodding hello to Betty Washerman- Shirtz, sitting down the bar and texting furiously. Washerman-Shirtz has a well-deserved reputation at LRB as a relentless and tedious political junkie, constantly over her head in one life-or-death cause or another, like changing the names of streets in Hollywood.
“This is a seriously bad development,” she tells me, grimly, downing her drink.
What — out of gin? I’m sure you can get Don to mix you another one. With or without formaldehyde?
“No, dearie. The bad development is these back room Republican power brokers trying to maneuver Trump off the ticket. I’m thinking it’s just rumor but there’s sources say it’s true. At the very least they’re talking about the RNC cutting off money to him and diverting it to local races.”
“Of course not. But I don’t want him to drop out. God only knows what happens next — they move Pence up, they get Kasich or Cruz to take over, they run Bullwinkle and a ham sandwich instead — it all spells disaster for the Democrats.”
Lemme guess — cuz the ‘Crats nominated somebody so unpopular the only one she has a chance to beat is Trumpf?
“Isn’t it obvious? The sole candidate to rack up worse unfavorable numbers among voters than Hillary is Trump. She’d lose to Rubio or Jeb! in a New York minute. She’d lose to Jersey Governor Porcine! Hell, she’d lose to BoJack Horseman!’
I can see the banners. Vote Neigh for the U.S.A.
“Lemme tellya, if the Democrats were smart, they’d be infiltrating some of these high-level Republican gabfests and reinforcing Trump’s support. They might even shovel some extra cash his way, just to make sure the sonofabitch doesn’t lunch out. Losing him at the top of the ticket is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to the Clinton campaign.”
Didn’t Hildabeest send an email to that effect when she was still Secretary of State?
“Not funny, Squattle. And ‘Hildabeest’ is an offensive name dripping with microagressive sexist hatred.” She glares at her phone. “Excuse me. I gotta get on this.”
You go girl. Meanwhile, I get my microaggressive ass (WTF?) out of there. The Betty Washerman-Shirtzes of the world are another reason even normal voters despise the political process and the people who manipulate it.
But she has a point: 10 weeks out from Election Day, the second-to-last last person on earth I want as president is Hillary Rotten Clinton. That’s why how I’m voting for her.
Unless I write in BoJack Horseman.