Around The Hurled in 80 Clicks

Early Friday I find a Sun-Sentinel instead of a Miami Hurled wrapped in plastic (along with the NY Times) on my driveway, so I call the Hurled to report the error. The usual recorded message plays, encouraging subscribers to go on-line to report delivery issues, but this time a message advises that the Hurled is aware of a problem and we subscribers can expect our newspapers “late this afternoon.” Thank you and sod off.

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.  Or the Hurled to arrive, either.

So much later I visit the website and attempt to report my problem. Under “subscription services” I find options to subscribe, cancel, put on “vacation hold,” purchase gift subscriptions, etc., but nothing to report delivery problems. Nor do I find anything else vaguely related.

But there is the old “Contact Us” option, so I send the following:

  1. Despite your recorded message when I call, there does not appear to be a way to report a delivery problem on your website. If there is, please send instructions, as it grows old calling every few weeks to report problems.

  2. Today’s Miami Hurled did not arrive. When I called, the recording informed me that the Hurled was aware of a problem, and I could expect delivery of the paper “in the late afternoon.” Two things: (a) I don’t want the paper “in the late afternoon,” but (b) you provided me no option to cancel. However,

  3. The paper didn’t arrive anyway. So you owe me some money. Please credit my account.

I have no expectation that anybody will notice, let alone comment on or complain about, my use of the term “Hurled.”

A few hours go by and I get this:

Thank you for contacting the Miami Herald

If you are emailing regarding a missed delivery, vacation stop, to check the status of your account or to make a payment, you can do this through our automated system 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

  • You can use our automated voice response system by calling 1-800-843-4372.
  • You can use our online system by going to maimiherald.com/service
  • Activate your digital subscription for 24/7 access to our online content and e-edition at

www.miamiherald.com/activate

If you are emailing us about something else, someone will get back to you within 1-2 business days.

Please do not respond to this email.

Thank you for contacting the Miami Herald

Isn’t that grand? You wonder why they bother having a customer website at all. In fact, you wonder why they don’t just disconnect the telephone, too.

When I visit the link provided, it takes me here:

hurled-help

… which turns out to be a series of links (and note redundancy) to sites where users may make additional purchases of god knows what.

Precisely because I am asked not to respond to their email, I send this:

This does not respond to the concerns I raised in my initial contact.

The link provided here to access the online service is at best mysterious, but quite worthless.

If you’re not willing to help me, just say so. Don’t send me on fool’s errands.

I do not anticipate a response. I may look dumb, but I’m ugly.

Saturday’s paper arrived without incident.

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4 Responses to Around The Hurled in 80 Clicks

  1. Dawgbowl says:

    Lemme check my watch — ah, it’s half-past 2016! Maybe just maybe it’s time to give up the paper newspaper.

  2. Hugh Bris says:

    What Dawgbowl said, and if you look back, what I’ve said to you since Gutenberg. Stop complaining about how an outmoded obsolete delivery system is inefficient. Can you say Duh?

  3. David Gilmour says:

    …….and every day the paperboy brings more.

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