Been reading that one after-effect of this shelter-at-home phenomenon will be evident in 9 months or so when there’s a spike in births. With nothing to do and nowhere to go, couples are, well, coupling. This inevitably leads to pregnancies, intentional or otherwise.

The precedent cited most in the 1965 NYC blackout. That noted, research suggests it’s something of a myth. Killjoys!

But it makes sense to me. If I were cooped up in an apartment somewhere, I’d be all over my live-in, regardless of gender or species. Wait, I take that back. It’s 2020. I’m too damn old. But it’s a nice thought.

Anyway, I decide I want to look into this further, so I place a call to Mistress Anna Sthesia, the proprietor of a sex toy establishment to solicit some professional opinion. Mistress Anna is a regular at the Liquor & Rubber Balls Sports Bar and Headlight Alignment Center, where we’ve both hung out for years (more about LRB in these #TrumPandemic times at a later date).

“Good to hear from you, Squats!” she tells me, brightly. “I guess we’re still a ways away from slugging brews and grabbing ass, but I’m still pluggin’ away!”

Nice choice of words, Mistress. Anyway, what do you make of this talk about a spike in births 9 months from now because of this virus? Are we gonna see a whole new generation of Coronials?

“Good question. I can tell you this: my in-store trade is flat as a 7 year old – we’re closed. But I’ve been getting a lot of calls for pick-ups and packages. People are still buying. I guess we’re an ‘essential business!’ So there’s sex happening, that’s for certain.”

What are people buying?

“Oh, the usual creams and lotions. Lingerie, crotchless panties, and edible underwear. But there’s also a real spike in vibrator sales, which tells me the DIY crowd is going crazy. Most of my female trade is gay, you know, and I suspect they’re practicing social distancing. That doesn’t mean they don’t wanna get off.”

I can relate. Sort of. But that won’t lead to pregnancies.

“No, of course not. But my straight friends tell me they’re fucking a lot more, too, getting more adventurous just to keep it fresh and new. Handcuffs, under-the-bed restraint systems, butt plugs – stuff they might not have given a second thought to are now in the mix. I guess they’re experimenting.”

Do you take returns?

“Um, no. Not if they’re used. Oh, yuk.”

So I guess the answer about the Coronial Generation is a definite maybe.

“Hey, welcome to the sex business. It’s always a definite maybe. Like maybe 5 years ago when anal became the new oral – what was low-class and taboo all of a sudden became de rigoeur. We had to scramble for inventory. Now, as you know, we have, well, everything to accommodate the ass-humping community.”

Well, great, I guess. But THAT won’t lead to additional pregnancies, either.

“What do you mean? Where do you think politicians come from?”

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10 Responses to Coronials

  1. Joe Balls says:

    I can relate to this. Shut in the way we are, I’m bored STIFF.

  2. Fran G’Panni says:

    Sex? Just not in the mood, and that NEVER happens. KW is one lonely dreary place when everything is shut down. And so quiet I can hear my skin fry.

  3. Mistress Anna's Agent says:

    Mistress Anna is here to lend a hand to help on and all in these troubled times…

  4. "Esq." A Lawyer says:

    Sheesh. Was this whole post just to get that last line in? Besides, it should be lawyers, not politicians. I know about these things.

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