Happy Bidet To You……..

How Retro!!

Panicked Americans have effectively emptied the shelves and supply of toilet paper. Confronting shortages, various alternatives have been proposed, including coffee filters, corn cobs (an old traditional practice), and of course, newspapers. Locally, it would seem as though the Miami Hurled would be a natural, for lots of reasons, although subscriptions sales remain flat. Interestingly, there is renewed interest in bidets and add-on devices to convert your toilet. The Tushy Classic, for example, sells for about $250 and installs in 1o minutes! What could go wrong? Intrigued, I call the company and speak to a friendly rep.

“Good morning! My name is Lana! How can I help you?”

Good morning, Lana! You’re not dyslexic, are you?

“Excuse me?”

Never mind. I wanted some additional info about your products, like the Tushy Classic.

“Oh, that’s our best seller! Easy to install – no plumbing or electricity! Just pop the attachment on the side of the bowl, connect to the water tank, and you’re ready! You can adjust the pressure from gentle spray to ‘power wash,’ and set the angle for maximum comfort. Neat, clean, and problem-free.”

So the stream comes from the same source that fills the toilet tank. Isn’t that cold water?

“Well, yes – whatever temperature the water achieves in your house. It’s cold, but not refrigerated.”

Yikes. Talk about a wake-up call. I’m in south Florida, but even here I don’t think I could handle cold water shot up my ass after dropping cable. Certainly not in the winter.

“We haven’t had any complaints about that, to be frank. Evidently one gets used to it. In fact, we’ve had customers tell us they like it. They use it several times daily whether they’ve moved their bowels or not.”

I know some of those same people. We don’t shake hands even when there’s no pandemic raging.

“It’s a responsible alternative to paper. Did you know that Americans use 34 million rolls of toilet paper every day? That’s equivalent to about 15 million trees! We’re deforesting the earth just to wipe our butts!”

Bad news for those bears and the pope shitting in the woods.

“We’ve found that once people get used to a bidet, they don’t go back to wiping – it’s less efficient and effective. It’s sort of barbaric, if you think about it. You’re familiar with dingleberries, right?”

Tell me – does using a bidet present a danger to serious hemorrhoid sufferers?

“Remember, you can adjust the spray to your own comfort level. At its gentlest, you can work around any sensitive areas. Or, if you’re into it, at its highest strength, you can use the spray to massage the area – safer and better than scratching or yanking. Less blood, too!”

Gosh that sounds like fun. But I’m still concerned about the temperature.

“Well, we have more expensive models that require plumbing that allows you to regulate the temperature – why not check out our website to see what works best for you?”

I’ll do that. Thanks for your help.

I guess she knows her shit, alright. But I’m a careful consumer, so I’ll probably shop around – ClearRear has a model, as does Uranus Bidet. Meanwhile, maybe I can experiment with my Water Pik. Somehow I suspect Guido won’t like that idea, though.