Now that the number of COVID-19 cases stands over a million in Florida – third highest in the nation! – I call the office of Gov Runt Duh-Santis to express congratulations. I am connected to a media relations flak in his office.

“Congratulations?” MRF repeats, obviously puzzled.

Well, sure. As of Sunday, Florida counts 1,058,704 infections. That’s 1 in every 19 residents, and as a bonus, the number of deaths per day averages 98.1 – just a hair under 100! Only states with more cases are Texas and California, both with larger populations than ours, so we’re kicking the competition’s ass.

“I wasn’t aware that there was a contest working,” he says, dryly.

Well, maybe not officially, but by aligning the state’s #TrumPandemic strategy with the Great Barrington Declaration, the governor has committed Florida to achieving herd immunity – basically, the disease will stop spreading when nearly everybody contracts it, right?

“Not exactly. The thinking is, open up as close to normal as we can while still protecting the most vulnerable, like senior citizens. Yes, that will accelerate infections, but it will be among populations better able to handle and recover.”

And what young parent or schoolchild wouldn’t risk a touch of potentially fatal epidemic to save great grandpaw, right? How many infections, or what percentage of the population do we need to achieve herd immunity?

“The magic number seems to be 60 – 70%, but we’ve seen various estimates, based on factors like the percentage of disease-inhibiting activities within a population. That’s the reason the governor resists a mask mandate, for example. We want to achieve that threshold quickly.”

Hmmm. Let’s see. Florida’s population is about 21 million, so the governor’s plan is to have between 12.6 and 14.7 million infections. Wow. And we’re only at a million now. Lot of work ahead of us.

“True. But with the impending holidays, there’s incredible opportunity for super-spreader events. Plus a spike in year-end travel. Numbers could double by mid-January.”

What a delightful Christmas gift! Say — the governor himself isn’t a senior, is he? And he has a relatively young family, correct?

“Very young – in fact, the First Lady just had her third child in March.”

Seems then, as state leaders, the DeSantis family should volunteer to become COVID-19 positive as soon as possible. They should set an example for other younger Floridians and accelerate the race to achieve herd immunity. We have at least 11 million to go! Plan the work and work the plan, right?

“Are you out of your mind? What’s the point of being an elitist if you can’t avoid the unpleasant outcomes of the policies you design for everybody else? I know where this is going, so the interview is over.” He rings off.

Well, dag. You’d suppose an ardent Trumpfian asslicker like Runt Duh-Santis would step up in a situation like this, but evidently he’s no Rudy Giuliani.

So it’s up to us, the rank and file. Do your duty, Florida! Get and stay positive! Your Governor supports you, if only from behind!

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12 Responses to Covidiots

  1. I think you should go protest at the Airport, Bus Stations & Florida boarder, make sure no more Covid gets in our State. LMFAO

    • Living Will says:

      One if by land, 2 if by….airplane. But you miss the point, It’s already here, in abundance. Question now is how you limit it. Governor Shithead seems to miss the point, too.

      • Mister E says:

        Actually, this is backwards. What would be more sensible is people in states bordering Florida lined up to prevent anybody leaving Florida from entering their state. Help Florida become the leper colony its governor is striving for!

  2. Joe Balls says:

    No shock here. This is the same dumbass hack who hired a sports blogger and Uber driver with zero knowledge or experience as a data analyst. Desantis is a card-carrying member of the same Trumpoid tribe as the rest of those anti-science alternative facts crackpots running around and spreading dangerous ignorance. Remember this guy?

  3. Beardsley says:

    Sadly, this really perverts the meaning of “herd immunity,” which should be understood as the effect of near-universal vaccination. E.g., we’ve achieved herd immunity against polio, which, while still present in isolated areas, has been eradicated where vaccination programs have been established. The program to achieve herd immunity by infection sounds more to me like genocide.

  4. 'Nonymous says:

    All you snowflakes need to muzzle up and hide in your basements, okay? Normal people who have actual lives to lead don’t have time to pee our pants over the Wuhan flu. You can do it for us.

    • Dawgbowl says:

      What would YOU know about NORMAL people, ‘Nonny? Where I come from, NORMAL people take sensible precautions against contracting and spreading fatal illnesses, they don’t make idiotic political statements out of it. Here’s a life tip for you: Wash your paws when you’re done wiping your ass. It’s healthier– not an impeachment hoax.

  5. Frank of Oregon says:

    What you describe is insane! He wants 60% of the state to get sick??? That’s his solution? Why not just open camps and march everybody to the gas chambers (or is that Plan B)? That said, if we had to choose some place to try this, I bet most of the country would agree Florida’s where it’s at.

  6. Mister E says:

    You’re on to something here. I see in today’s Herald that #DeathDeSantis is trending.

  7. Lois Terms says:

    You’re way off base, Squathole! Runt Duh-Santis (love that – Thanks!) is doing everything in his power to achieve the goal of sickening 3/4 of the population, starting with his own. Look!

  8. Grant's Tomb says:

    I fully expect to see trucks spraying coronavirus droplets instead of mosquito repellent. Of course, this will be restricted to minority neighborhoods throughout the state.

    • Diesel Fitter says:

      Grant’s Tomb: exactly. The populations most at-risk are the usual suspects: Black, brown, poor, inner-city, least access to health care, and this is a demographic the governor and his party are happy to see decimated.

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