Readers Digest version: one of Guido’s clients was exposed to COVID-19, so Guido quickly arranged for a test at a Memorial Urgent Care.
Result: “Not Detected.”
It goes on to explain that “Not Detected” isn’t the same as “Negative,” because it “doesn’t preclude infection, and should not be used as the sole basis for treatment or other patient management decisions.” The only appearance of the word “negative” is when the document references a “false negative result.”
In sum, this test is completely worthless. We don’t know anything more after getting the results than we know before. She didn’t test negative or positive — but that was true before she was tested!
This useless weasel-worded report does nothing but earn the Memorial Health Care system Medicare dollars.
Shortly after reading and re-reading this ass-covering prose, Guido fields an automated message from Memorial saying test results indicated no presence of the SARS-CoV-2. Doesn’t that sound like it should be “negative?” So why not SAY “negative?”
Guido calls Memorial and to sum it up, they won’t say she’s negative, only that no virus was detected. I want to know how this maddening policy helps the poor slob who can’t go back to work until he or she tests negative.
It’s mind-numbingly infuriating how botched and bungled this entire process has been from the onset of #TrumPandemic, and continues with every development. Literally a matter of life and death, there’s no leadership, accountability, or playbook. Toss into the mix the crackpots and free-dumb freaks who won’t mask up and actually doubt millions of people around the world are sick and dying and you have what will become the SNAFU of the Century in its very first year.
As for Guido, she’d arranged for a second test even before these she got (non-) results, and that second test report came back with the word “Negative.” Fancy that.
A page of the Memorial report is attached. If you click on it there’s an option to enlarge. You tell me if I’m wrong about this.
Oh, and Happy Fucking New Year.
Obalesque 
Yeah, that’s wack. The best spin on the result is it determined she was not positive, which, in turns out, isn’t the same as its logical opposite. More hair split here than in a barber shop, but that’s what happens when the lawyers write the rules. At least this time all’s well that ends well.
In formal logic, we never say “everything is black or white,” we say “everything is black or not-black.” That principle accurately reflects a formal, abstract environment, which of course has zippo to do with the Real World, as recounted here. Glad Guido’s test is negative. Stay safe.
Never confuse the doctor’s job with the lawyer’s, and remember that neither one of them is more concerned for your health and well-being than their revenue and liability. Trust me on this one, anyway.
Maybe that report reflects their belief that it’s all a conspiracy, and it doesn’t make any sense to negative or positive for an impeachment hoax. Just bill for the service.
I once took a credit score test. It came back “Not Detected.” No respect, no respect at all.
Funny — you wrote #TrumPandemic. Back when it all started getting news coverage and they were saying it started in China, I thought they were saying panda-demic.
Ted, you actually thought that? You don’t know Chinese buffet from Warren Buffet.
Ted went for an MRI of his brain. Results: Not Detected.